zerozerozero only zerozerozero is enough. i will not eat today. it is just one day twenty-four hours is not enough but it is my choice to continue. my mess is not their problem. i should not hurt them. this pain is my own. i need it. i am not a slave to my body but i am. i will be more by being less. breathe in, breathe out, repeat. reality is this. it is not what they tell me i need to get back to. that is a curious world. it is too loud, too big, too invasive for me. if i let them in they will just want out. it is awful in here. awful, beautiful, home inside my head. full of mean creatures, invisible. but they do not scare me anymore. they will help me be skinny. when i am skinny, the scars will not matter anymore. people will not tell me the truth. the mirror is not so afraid to scream the truth in my face every day.
if i eat i will be obese. it will happen quickly. i cannot afford to make a mistake. if i make a mistake i will bleedgagpukespit until i am small. i am deaddeaddeaddead i am not dead yet. only tired. too tired to be there for them. too tired to eat. too hungry to sleep.
i will be a ghost. i will haunt them, but they will keep me. i will not weigh in today. if i weigh as much as i feel i must, i will be sad. if i weigh less, it will not be low enough. back to the mirror. just checking again. i stare into my eyes. they are darker than they were. the circles underneath take away the gold. they are just brown. dark brown. dead.
i want to cry. i feel i should cry. but i cannot cry. even when i am alone. i do need to be alone though. when i am alone i can breathe in, breathe out, continue. one day my body will be perfect. so perfect that my ugly face will not matter. right now i am not prettygracefulnormalgoodconfidentsmallthinbonyperfect enough. but i will be. i just have to stay calm. i can do this. i am doing this. i am watching them. they are not doing it properly. they are eating. what is that they are putting into themselves? it is not food. it is only calories. numbers sliding into their stomachs to make the number on their scales climb higher. do they not know? how can they not know what they are doing to themselves? would it be better to be like me? of course not.
i am a silly girl. i am full of dreams that twist to nightmares easily. i am bruised. i have been sliced open but i am too frozen to drain. too cold to feel what they want me to feel. they want me to talk to someone. but i cannot talk about this. not to someone real. someone real will know. they will know but they will not understand. they will want to fix my head. to make sure that my body does not follow my thoughts. but it must. it has to. but i do not have an eating disorder. of course not. anorexics are thin people. determined. i am determined. but i am not thin. not yet.

or:

when you are skinny you will look better in a striped towel than other people do in shorts&a t-shirt. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. so many words inmyhead. a headache? no, that's just me. silly little miss.