9:45am

so living arrangements have changed. my sister & i, along with her boyfriend, moved into his parent's house. it's only ten minutes from the house we moved from. his parents are really lovely & everyone has a different schedule so i don't have to worry about anyone bothering me about my eating or exercise.

my sister is driving me nuts. she sides with her boyfriend over me all the time. he's skinny as fuck so she works hard to be smaller than him. when she has an early shift she takes hydroxycut, skips breakfast & lunch, then has soda, chips, sandwich, candy, booze, & sweets when she gets home. i think i'm bigger than she is right now.

my mother, sister, brother, his wife & daughter are flying up christmas eve to visit. i'm stoked, i haven't seen them in ages. a little worried about food but i've lost 4lbs in the last two days & if i lose enough by then i'll feel okay.

so some small changes but all else is the same. just the way i like it. i hope you're all well. i rarely log on here but i get your comments & i'm always on twitter so please comment with your email or email me ( ilovezette@yahoo.com ) for my twitter name so we can keep up.

stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo
zette

p.s. anyone else still deny they have an ED at all?

4:01pm

i don't know if any of you are still around, i just need to tell someone or no one a few things so here we go. sipping coffee with vodka in it. i've had my mind stuck in a particular spot today.

what if we treated others the way we treat ourselves? what if you starved someone, cut them open, forced them to purge? how fucked up would that be? yet we do this to ourselves so often that it seems normal.

i'm stuck 1500 miles from home. this california adventure has been fun but i'm over it. i still don't have any friends here. two of my roommates are alright but not the sort of people i can just hang out with. i just want to get back to texas, hang out with my friends, get back to therapy&sort out my head. i've been really down lately.

night before last i had a few shots of vodka like i do every night (another bad habit i've picked up) on an empty stomach. i felt dizzy so i washed my face&crawled in bed. i was hoping for sleep but something made me think of my father which, if you've known me long, you'll know is a massive trigger for me. so i slid out of bed for a lighter&razorblade.

my anxiety was through the roof. i couldn't calm down. 42 new cuts on my feet, hands, chest, insides of my cheeks, &behind my ears. my mouth feels swollen&sore. one on my chest was too deep thanks to my heavy-with-alcohol hands. luckily i still have sutures so the next day i grabbed the bag&my smallest curved needle. i boiled the needle&cleaned everything with alcohol. i sewed myself up the same way i would a tear in fabric, tied it off, &taped gauze over it. it hurts like fucking hell. i know the scar is going to be ugly. at least all my cuts right now are covered easily. i can stand in a bikini & no one will see them.

i have a goal weight. the past year i've spent working out even with my torn knee & i've quite a bit of muscle. i want to be 110 when i get back to texas. i'm hoping it will be around the end of the year so i've plenty of time to get to that weight & maintain it. i'm thinking a limit of (500) for the next few months will do it. with alcohol calories included, i won't be eating much. i like having a plan. it's peaceful.

anyway, nothing really new. just thinking a lot lately. i think i'll write here more since i've no buddies here to talk to. fuck california people. even the ones who seem sweet are incredibly shallow & the worst part is they don't even know they are. our new tenant downstairs i think might like me. so i'm avoiding him. i let his dogs out when he goes to work but we barely speak. not not not interested.

xoxo
zette

p.s. vanilla vodka (90) in coffee (5) is actually pretty good.
p.p.s. if you have a kik email me your unsername & the name of your blog on here (so i know who the fuck you are) so we can chat. (this means you, peridot, if you have one.)

10:02am

fucks sake, things are ridiculous lately. i'm still in california. hoping to move back home to texas later this year. my head is still a mess, here's my mindset in a nutshell:

 an ugly scar, probably could have used stitches. it re-opened
& i had to explain a bloody shirt to my therapist. awkward.

 still sketching...badly.

 still love pills. (even my lips are fat.)

 "i inscribe three lines, hush hush hush, into my skin. ghosts trickle out."

i lost my place setting necklace so i made this one to replace it.

my sister & i have separate jobs now. we both work a lot so i don't have to eat often. that's my current rule: never eat alone. i'm alone a lot so it keeps things simple. right now i'm obsessed with coffee & lacroix sparkling waters. well that & xenadrine & vitamin B supplements. since calories are energy, i am crazy tired lately. i work outdoors & by the end of the work day i can barely convince myself to shift gears on the drive home. but i burn calories all day at work walking, lifting, cleaning, etc. so there's that.

the computer desk is covered in food at the moment. pretzels, maui onion chips, trail mix, pop tarts, twizzlers, lime chips, bread, crackers, cheerios, peanut butter, etc. drinking coffee&ignoring it. it's only been fourteen hours since i had a cucumber last night. i don't have a scale here; it's at the other house that i'm moving the rest of my things into on monday. so monday i'll weigh in & probably freak out. i'll be so upset if i've gained.

oh, jess emailed me for this list so i'm posting it here. this is my playlist lately.

skin & bones.........................................marianas trench

waltz moore.........................................from first to last

ana's song (open fire)...............................silverchair

just a little bit.......................................maria mena

bleed like me........................................garbage

skinny.................................................filter

4st 7lb................................................manic street preachers

ana & mia............................................the trews

annie's anorexic.....................................the huntingtons

anorexia..............................................zeeza love

anorexic beauty.....................................pulp

breathe again.......................................jimmy robbins 

breathe me..........................................sia

cars & calories......................................saves the day

cause & effect......................................maria mena

creep.................................................radiohead

eyesore..............................................maria mena

fatso.................................................the story

feed me..............................................juliana hatfield

hungry still...........................................katie herzig

lemon.................................................katy rose

lucy at the gym......................................jill sobule

me & mia............................................ted leo & the pharmacists

numbers..............................................pompeii

penny is an anorexic................................saturday supercade

skin and bones......................................foo fighters

skinny love...........................................bon iver

skinny................................................edith backlund

sophie................................................eleanor mcevoy

internal dialogue....................................maria mena

self-fulfilling prophecy.............................maria mena

i hope you guys are doing alright. i know i probably seem like a ghost since i rarely post but if you'd like to chat drop me a line. ilovezette@yahoo.com

stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. do you guys work out when you haven't eaten? i'm obsessive about finishing my exercises whether i've eaten or not. 500 crunches on an empty stomach: story of my life.