11:21am

woke up to my mother saying "oh, granny, no! granny wait no wait!" apparently granny (the cat my niece named&who just had kittens) had decided to take them outside through what my mother refers to as the 'cat door'. really it's just a missing window pane that the cats use when we're not around to let them in the back door.  so i got my ass out of bed to move the kittens from the closet back to the cardboard box so mama kitty would stop being so worried. then i went back to sleep&had a dream about my alcoholic sister being in charge of a baby; she left him in her room&i had to go find him, found a tarantula instead, etc.
thanks for all the compliments on my bicycle. i think i like it. someone emailed me yesterday&ended it with "stay strong, darling" the way i usually do. i haven't replied because all i want to do is complain about the fact that i can't stay strong until i actually am strong, which i am not. okay zette, stop whining, give the pretty people the pretty photos.

or:

let's say....girl in yellow vs. everyone else. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i've fucked up my weigh-in days, so i weighed in this morning, i'm down 2lbs. for a moment i was happy. then the usual thoughts took over. only 2lbs? i could have done better. fat fat fat.

p.p.s. on a nicer note, the kittens are pretty cute. nothing spectacular, but adorable.

4:33pm

ran into a friend today at the grocery store. she said "suzette, you're even more tiny than the last time i saw you." she looked at the lunchable in my hand&said "oh good, you're buying food. good girl." i forgot i had told her about my diet or whateverthefuck this is. it's a love/hate thing, running into people who watch my weight. this time love. she's an awesome friend&i love her to pieces. plus it never hurts to have someone look you up&down&tell you how small you are.
in other news, i bought a big coffee cup today. i like it. plain white. also, i've stopped using eyeliner for now. my eyes are huge already&it takes too long to apply. i needa paint my nails. i got spraypaint all over them working on my bicycle. i've nothing comical or witty or mischievous to say so i'll go look for photos.

or:

i really like little floral dresses. i wanna look that small in one, though. so it'll be a while. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. my bicycle is pink. i haven't touched it up yet so don't make fun of it.

11:50am

easter was fun. hung out with friends, went fishing, saw a movie for free (yes, we break rules&go in the back theater door[water for elephants is a great movie, i read the book 2 years ago]). well now it's 1:02pm. just got back from home depot. my mother insisted we get dirt&fertilizer. i got cow crap on my jeans carrying the bag. which is no big deal. but i also hit my head on the trunk latch&it's bleeding. my poor forehead. maybe i'll wear a bandaid on it tomorrow for pity. also, i gained a pound, which means another cut on my foot. why do i punish myself? fuck. one of these days i'll learn to let things go without having to hurt myself. the second photo, she had a better one except she looked a hell of a lot like michael jackson&i couldn't bring myself to post it. i laughed.

or:

skinny people fit more places. weighing less has lots of benefits. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. coffee+almond milk (5)=breakfast&lunch. mmm.

p.p.s. sorry for the lack of comments. i've nothing to say. but please know i've been reading.

12:16pm

important stuff: i binged last night. on pizza. my intake for the day was about (890) so yes, i'm feeling quite disgusting. i haven't been able to weigh myself but it's not a weigh day anyway. i've decided they're sunday, tuesday, thursday. friday&saturday suck calorie-wise usually but as long as i work it off saturday night, sunday's weigh-in is alright. so that's how it'll be. mm, coffee for breakfast.
unimportant stuff: i hung out at starbucks for a bit yesterday. boy&his friends came by&invited me to join them at chili's. so i did. (i brought my starbucks tea with me&i didn't order any food.) i was quiet for the first 10 minutes. it didn't help that my curls were a mess&i swear the white t-shirt i wore made me look like a beluga whale. then i made a joke&everyone laughed&i felt tons better.
but then, when it was time to go, the girl who was giving rides was figuring out who was going with her. "i can take J, B, M, M's girlfriend..." that really bothered me for some reason. i wanted to get pissed off&tell her i still have a name. but i didn't. i told him politely that i couldn't go with them, that i should stay in town so my mother&i could run errands later. so he gave me a hug&left. i turned up my ipod&walked away feeling as grumpy&independent as ever. i get a gold star for not needing people.
however, M does make me smile. he texted me a while after that to tell me i looked super cute. we both know i looked like shit. but still, he's a sweet boy. so for now, i'm fine with having a sweet boy be proud to claim me, 15lbs too fat, in front of his buddies. he'll like me even better when i'm skinny.

or:

i don't like cowboy boots. (which is against the rules in the state i live in, i think) but that girl's legs are darling. it looks like she's naturally that size. some of us aren't. we have to work for it. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i bought a water bottle&carry it with me always. makingmyselfdrinkwater.

11:08am

binged yesterday. on tic tacs. max cals for that was (120). my intake for the day was (320) but i think i've forgiven myself. took a lot of apologies though. by apologies i mean crunches. my stomach is still a little sore. my legs are hella sore too. worth it, because i'm down a pound as of this morning. also, boy sent me a relationship request on facebook. fuck no. i know we're high school students&relationships are no big deal but i told him we should at least go on a date first. does that make me a control freak? mostly i don't want my mother to interrogate me, my sisters to interrogate me, my brothers to interrogate him, or my father to find&murder him. anyway, having orange spice tea for breakfast.i also have an apple cider tea that is similar. both taste amazing, i let them steep for a minute extra.
i've found lately that it's difficult to make my face look very lively. the dark circles under my eyes make them look swollen. my lips are naturally a sort of bright/dark color so i'm okay there. i've found that if i use extra concealer under my eyes&try to make it part of my makeup then it looks decent. also, using extra blush or bronzer makes me look more awake. mascara helps, too. &perfume. i don't know what it is about perfume&scented lotions but they seem to say "i'm doing great". so you can imagine the first thing people often tell me after a handshake or a hug (hugsarerare) is "you smell good". umm, thanks. i try. i use the pink perfume from pacsun. it's called future favorites, i think. i also use vanilla body lotion. i've just noticed that when someone smells good they just seem healthier, as opposed to smelling like nothing or like laundry detergent. did i really just ramble about faking healthy? yes, i did. whoops. on to photos. this girl is perfect.

or:

you're welcome to be the average girl on the right. but you don't have to be. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. making a soup in the crockpot that my mother wants me to make. barley&lentils+veggies (200ish) so i won't be eating today in case i have to try some for dinner.

11:44am

so M called last night&we talked a bit about random things. then he asked if i wanted to date him. i said "i'm up for that." real convincing. but you know what? he makes me smile&laugh so what the hell? maybe it'll be fun. he's polite&intelligent&he likes to tell me how pretty i am. plus, someone to be skinny for.
yesterday's intake was okay but it could have been better. my workout could have been better, too. 3/4 green apple (65) two rice cakes (60) with spicy mustard (10) 1/2 cup rice chex (50) 10 pistachios no salt (40) so 225 for the day. today will probably be about the same. drinking lots of tea. thinking i should go shopping for some sort of multivitamin soon. but i don't have a lot of money. any suggestions?

or:

matching shirts. how cute. too bad the redhead is so big. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i have the hiccups. i get them often. i get made fun of for it. how often do you get the hiccups?
p.p.s. the package my sister sent came today. she knows me so well. my perfume, tic tacs, nyquil, lip gloss, starbucks gift card, $20 to send my other sister the christmas gifts she never picked up. i have the best sister ever.

9:43am

good morning. i'm having green tea. with purple acai&blueberry. well, that's what it says on the box. i got it last night. i like it. i did add a teaspoon (20) of honey because my throat is sore. my cat spinny was bored yesterday, i suppose. after she caught the squirrel, she also caught a bird&a lizard. fun mess to clean up. blah.
today should be an easy day. i'll slice up&eat an apple after i post this. by then my mother might be leaving for work. if so, then lunch will be skipped. with no lunch, i will probably skip dinner. if the wind will let up i'll spray paint my bike today. pink. i'm not very girly, i don't like a lot of bright colours. so i make myself have a few around here&there. often, i'll be wearing all grey&black&the only color will be my bright red flats or a bright blue bracelet. why am i talking about my clothes? i don't know, either.
oh, i keep forgetting to answer posie. i tend to make fun of girls who go buy a digital camera&take pictures of everything, then post it on facebook in an album labeled "photography<3" so i wouldn't say i'm into photography. but i love to take pictures. i don't share many of them. same with my art. &my music. it's for me. i'm a selfish little artist, or whatever the hell i am. on to the pretty pictures.

or:

to be fair, this is tall vs. short. but just because you're short doesn't mean you have to be chubby. still, tall ladies shouldn't make excuses, either. your fat may not be as evenly distributed as you think. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. stocked up on rice cakes&snow peas. mmmm. saferthanothershit foods.

11:26am

iamnotmadatmycat. but i was. a little. she brought in something to me, to my room. i thought it was a rat&was about to congratulate her when i saw the tail. on the one hand, it was really fucking cute&should not have died. on the other hand, my cat is talented enough to catch a squirrel. so whatever. i swept it into the dustpan&tossed it outside. if you know a taxidermist they can have it for practice, it's in great condition.
yesterday was interesting. i hadn't eaten yet when i went to my sister's house to help her get things ready for passover (they are jewish, but only by choice). my job was to cook. i made 50 coconut macaroons&i made 50 no-bake chocolate cookies. i tasted both. put my calories around 100. only problem is that when i got home i was too tired to go running. i went for a bike ride&did half my workout before i fell asleep. fail.

or:

candid&skinny. hmph. stay strong today, lovelies. no need to be fat.

xoxo

zette

p.s. funny how people spend so much money trying to get skinny when, quite literally, all you need is nothing.

9:42am

thursday. i spent the morning at the orthodontist. the afternoon at a restaurant&then cleaning out my friend's garage. th evening with aforementioned friend eating dinner&fishing. the night at the theater. if anyone is wondering, 'arthur' is a good movie. i mean the plot is predictable (especially if you've seen the original one, of course) but russell brand is fantastic. as far as comedians go (johnny depp is the greatest motherfucking overall actor of all time) brand is pretty great. anyone else think he looks a bit like michael jackson?? it might just be the length of the dark hair&the superdefined bone structure.
today, i am going to do my workout after an apple. then i am going to go help my friend all day. then i am going to go to scream 4 with her&her 'friend the gay film maker'. what a darling nickname for a buddy, right?
i told you i'd tell you about the boy. i've only hung out with him twice. he's a bit addicted to text. he also likes to call me in the evenings sometimes just to talk. i'm okay with that i suppose, even though i normall really hate talking on the phone to anyone aside from my sister. but he's a sweetie. now a stupidwhinysweetie, a smartlogicalsweetie. you know, like a baby gentleman (i say so because he's a year younger than i). he opens car doors for me&texts me to be careful when the weather is bad&everything. so far he's only invited me to hang out around friends. i like that. since dating is optional, i'm fine with just letting him make me smile for now. which he does. often. enough about boy. on to photos.

or:

can i just say ew? that's allowed, right? okay. ewwwws. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. yes, it's a mulitcolored apple&yes i do separate the colors. don't judge. coffee is lovely.

10:40am

warning, this might be a bit long. i woke up to yelling again. my mother is a terrible roommate. speaking of roomies, my friend has offered for me to move in to the little cottage next to her parents' house next year. we could both get jobs&go to school together, paying only for gas&groceries. i'm not sure. but what i do know is that there would be a lot less pressure on me to eat if i went. hmm. i finished eating my apple even though my mother left for work. apples are my safe food. do you have a safe food? a fruit? veggie? rice cake? tell meeeeeee.
also, another netflix morning. i'm watching lord of the rings:fellowship of the ring. i used to own it but my mother threw it away. (again, a terrible roommate.) then i'll put a livelier movie on for my workout. i might take my bike out later to get some sun on my giant white legs. no kidding, guys, my legs are giant. i took photos of myself in my bikini this morning. i want to throw up. then cry. then work out until i pass out. yeah, that sounds good. but i do not cry anymore. ugh. i hate my body.
but i shouldn't waste energy on hate. i will use it. to burn calories i have not consumed. i like to burn calories in little ways. like doing squats while i type at the computer. i never sit still if i'm talking on the phone. when reading a book i like to lie on my back&cycle. i look a bit like i'm pretending to ride a bike. but it burns calories. i do jumping jacks when i'm impatient about coffee or tea being ready. do any of you do little things to keep moving?

i rarely post 3 photos of the same girl, but this little beatles fan is darling.

or:

the skinny is hiding behind the blonde. fyi, the same skinny from yesterday. the girls on the far right&far left are giants. i want an overweight person to keep a food journal so i can see what it takes to maintain that. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i got mocha cappuccino flavored coffee. it's amazing.

p.s.s. next post i may or may not have to tell you a bit more about a boy.

11:30am

good morning? sure. woke up to my mother telling me she's off to work. so no breakfast for me. or lunch. dinner is iffy. depends on whether or not i feel like working out extra. i'm watching 'the joneses'. i love netflix. okay, i'd like to inform you that the sun will tan you for free. all that light in your back yard? no membership required. i only say so because one of my buddies is complaining about paying for her orangeness at her favorite tanning place. i'm broke. so i sit in my backyard in a wicker chair in a bikini with a good book. but i'm a little sunburned at the moment. oops.
also, little anonymissies. first, the honest/rude one. i know. i keep losing weight from my torso. my legs seem to stay the same size&don't get me started on my man shoulders. we all have our flaws. i'm not anorexic. i do have a messy room. i cleaned it last night&saw your comment this morning. have you been reading my mind?
second, the one who had a question i keep forgetting to post&answer. "i have a question. Do you hate fat people? Or you appreciate efforts those overweight people who are trying to loose the weight?" i don't hate fat people. there are fat people who i hate, but as a whole group, i've nothing against them. i just don't want to be like them. they can eat what they want&exercise when they want. they don't have to  be grumpy, hungry&obsessive like me. i definitely appreciate the efforts of anybody trying to make themselves better. i hope that answers your question.

or:

she has a darling figure. yes? it's a cool photo. but then you notice the blubbery/cellulite/flab in the right corner. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. keeping a gallon of water next to me today. drinks lots of H2O today, okay?

11:17am

so i may or may not have talked on the phone for two hours last night to my friend-becoming-best-friend. he's a sweetie. also, i was trying to take a photo of my sunburn so i could complain to him (he's black, he doesn't get sunburned) &i kind of liked the way my shoulder/collarbone area looked. looking at them now i think i look pretty terrible but for some reason last night i was easier on myself, i suppose. feel free to creep through them here. anyway, i've lost another pound. also, my bicycle is fantastic. not very attractive though. next time i have moneys i'll buy some weatherproof spray paint. maybe neon purple? hm.....nothing else is new. time to go search for pretty pictures for us.

or:

prom was saturday.  i might go to prom next year. only if i'm skinny. right now i more resemble the girl in purple. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. anyone else love coffee as much as i do?