9:33am

gained weight, lost weight, popping green tea fat burners like candy. hydroxycut leaves a funny taste in my mouth. maybe trying the caffeine-free kind next so i can have my coffee, too. last night was a blast. got off work, went home&put on my black tights, black lace tights over that, black shorts, black cami, black combat boots, grey jacket, &drove to my friend's. she was my mother's friend. i was her daughter's friend. but now it's just us two who are still crazy. seems my mother&her daughter brushed off the glitter&ran away to realityland. we went to the museum for the gaultier collection. got there after the runway set&watched the pretty models in plain clothes walk around with their iphones&gaudy makeup. saw similar makeup after the show when we went to the gay district. so many pretty boys. they smell good, too, &love to give hugs. i'd had 3 crackers during the day, so the single glass of white wine loosened me up. we went to some club&they put big fat X's on my hands. i made a sad face at the man with the marker so he drew a heart on my hand as well. he draws hearts better than i can. anyway, headed to the dance floor. talked to a guy, his breath smelled like vomit. wandered around&found a spot to dance. a man with crooked teeth danced with my friend. a guy with perfect teeth who smelled like gingerbread&britney spears perfume ambled up behind me. dancing with a straight guy can be awkward. they pull your hips in close&rub their jeans against yours. dancing with a gay guy is fun. they put their hands on your waist, tell you you're stunning, wrap your curls around their fingers&say, in a voice a little higher than your own, "how the fuck do you get it to do this?" then they ask you to take their photo with their supershortsuperskinny boyfriend. dance floor got old, the music got old, the old men got old. we slipped upstairs to see what the lights looked like from up there. we wandered into a lounge with boring people on cold couches. we wandered into another lounge where men dressed as women&lip-synched to songs i should know. drag queens are fascinating. there was a guy walking around in superman underwear, the shot guy. he had a pretty body&pretty eyes&hair&beard like jesus. we blew kisses to new friends&walked out.
i creeped into my room around 2am (early? yes.), washed my face, crawled in bed with my dog&crashed. next time you go clubbing, head to the gay part of town. self-esteem boost is worth it.
in less than fun news, my mother is psycho. she's been cleaning my room. it's mostly laundry. i don't like it. i'd prefer she leave it for me to do on the weekend. she doesn't do it the way i like. but i don't tell her, because when i do she just yells. she likes to yell. then i can't hear her anymore because i turn up the volume of the music in my head&she is drowned out by beethoven's symphony number whatever.
i bought razorblades&big bandaids. that's never a good sign. i'm okay though. i'm going to take a shower now, to scrub the X's off my hands&the perfume out of my hair. i just ate 1/4 of an apple. at hurts. are apple slices known to turn into little swords when they hit your stomach? that would explain this feeling. i'll research it. i'm sure it's logical. why did i post today? i'll go find a reverse photo for you.

i may have used this one before. the girl on the left wants to hang out this weekend. i don't want to. she has to eat loads to keep her weight so high. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. my mother still says "you're too skinny". my friend last night said "you're perfect." fuck my mother.

10:01am

my sister said "it's weird, you're so grown up. you have a job, you drive yourself around, feed yourself-well actually you suck at feeding yourself."
my mother said "you're getting too thin."
my friend said "if you need to wear a coat into the grocery store, you're too skinny."
my friend's mother said "you are real thin&people take notice."
my friend had an acoustic gig in a coffee shop. i went. he dedicated a cover to me&gave me funny little sad looks at "yeah your skin and bones, turn into something beautiful". obviously "yellow" by coldplay. 

anyway, it's been weird lately. i have to eat. for my job i arrive at the home at 7:45am, get the little one ready for school, drive him at 8:45am. then i'm free until i pick him up at 2:30pm & his brother at 2:45pm. the dad usually gets home around 7, at which time they've had a bath&eaten dinner&are ready for bed&snuggled on the couch with a movie. i love being a nanny but since i have these two little guys in my care i am not allowed to be the zombie, in&out of reality, emptydizzyforgetful zette i was. now i've got to be grown up&responsible. but i'm not going to get fat again. that was ridiculous. when i say out loud that at 5'8" an acceptable weight would be 130lbs, ship me off to the loony bin. that said, the people who worry are a bit troubling for me. it's different when a stranger online tells me to take care of myself. but when someone who knows me, sees me often, tells me i'm looking a bit dabbish, it's almost intrusive.

the girl on the left was in my group at a retreat a while back. super skinny. anyway, i've had my 100cals for the day so now i'm having peppermint tea. perfect, it's rainy here. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. the 2year old's preschool teacher has an english accent. she calls him "gorgeous". dearest english people: do you know how fucking adorable your accents are?