9:18am

counseling appointment is on wednesday, not today. cheers. i'm keeping myself from calling R to tell her to cancel it. i'm not a wimp, i can sit in an office for an hour with some nice lady who gets paid to listen to people whine&tells them why they're whining. okay, i've nothing against counseling. lots of normal people see a counselor. that's fine. but for some reason it feels as if going to this appointment is giving up. i've been refusing to go for so long that it just seems natural that i'd refuse forever. R said she'd like to "just tie you up&carry you, because you're so light, kicking&screaming. but i don't think i'm allowed to do that." she's darling. so i'm going for her. why is this such a big deal? it's one appointment. it's really just to see if whatsherface&i even get along. so in a nutshell, i'm going, but i don't want to.

big red riding hood ate her grandmother&the wolf&the contents of her basket, i think. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. the skin on my body is so ugly. grey&blue&purple, cold&bruised.

8:26pm

getting sick when you're juuuust slightly underweight is a total bitch. i feel like i've had endless calories in homemade soup. threw up this morning before i ate anything. my mother came in the bathroom, turned the light on, yelled at me to stop&get up. she doesn't know i purge. so that was her just being a total asshole. took a 3hour nap. woke up feeling like i went through a tornado (sorry, been watching storm chasers on netflix.) all my muscles hurt. sitting at the computer with a blanket. i hate those awkward seconds when you stand up&it's lights out. you just have to stand there&keep your eyes open until your vision kicks in&you can continue. so basically, i feel awful. been replying to emails though. hoping it's a 24-hour thing so i can work out tomorrow. also first counseling appointment on monday. partly hoping i have some contagious raging virus still in my system so i can skip it. i don't feel like letting someone new into my life right now. so whatever. sorry i've been awol. thanks for all the emails, especially mallory&tess. i looked back at that anonymous comment just now&i want to cry.

these chicks are my age. they look super young though. anyway, stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo
zette
p.s. thank motherfucking god on high i have nyquil. i feel so helpless.
p.p.s. little lady olivia lee your comment made a bad day so much better. kudos for finding that bad video. mwah<3

10:42am

hm. update. well, i don't want to eat. i do. but i don't want to. losing weight which makes me happy until i step off the scale. then i wish i'd lost more. i look down&run my fingers along my bones, then look in the mirror&all i see is inches of fat stuck to my frame. i'm confused. i'm so ready to let this mindset take over&kill me slowly. that anonymous comment threw me off. they don't usually upset me but that one hurt. thanks for your sweet comment, posie. oh, judith, my cat scratched me. then when it started to heal, i opened it back up with a razorblade. then i opened it one more time, which is why it scarred so badly.
my mother keeps telling me that i'm too skinny. that i need to take care of myself. it just makes me mad because the only time she ever shows concern is when someone tells her to. she forgot i existed until i was 12 when my youth pastor said, "hey, we think your daughter is suicidal." so instead of writing it off as parental worries, i can't help but wonder who the motherfucking hell told my mother i'm not eating. she never would have noticed on her own.
my father messaged me on facebook this morning. "I love you. Can we try to get to know each other on facebook?" i didn't reply. i'm not going to. to the people who think "he's your father, he deserves a chance." go fuck yourself. do you make friends with people who think it's alright to beat the shit out of children? of course not. the fact that i am brought to you by this sperm donor validates nothing. he never apologized, never cared, is still in&out of jail for refusing to pay child support. so no, daddy, we cannot get to know each other on facebook. i'm still afraid of you.

sorry about the complaining. just frustrated&hurting.

if i were that skinny i might be alright with being tall. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. birthday party tonight. hours of fake smiles&pretending to eat. hmph.

11:08pm

being empty&then eating food is horribleawfuldirty but it's essential to life. life is horribleawfuldirty but there are beautiful pieces of it that i'm not willing to give up yet. also i've spent a bit of time hating this scar.

i'm a little sad about my ribcage. it's fine. it's just big. too big. but it's bone. it's stuck there&it's not going to get any smaller. i can slice it open in as many places as i want, but that's as small as it will be. i have lots lots lots of room to lose weight other places though. i'm curious to see what my face looks like when my legs are small. i wonder if i'll look odd or just fragile? i've got to admit it eventually, that i don't just want to be thin. i want to be sick. i need to be sick. i don't understand it. so i'll deny it until i do. anyway, girl on lookbook who is small. this weekend i'm going thrifting for baggy clothes.

or:

she wasn't even big in these photos. but compare them to the ones above. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. not eating today.

8:45pm

didn't eat today, not eating tomorrow. i'll eat tuesday. pinky promise. i'm getting horrible emails lately about how i'm a bad person for blogging about my eating disorder. well, i don't have an eating disorder. sorry i offended you, cocksucking little asshat anonymous motherfucking bitch. anyway, you know those "which one does not belong" things? well i was creeping on someone's facebook so....

i know i'm evil. but come on, a giant cheerleader? stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i'm fine. i'm still fat. fuck off.

8:23am

twitter is so competitive. i don't get it. people will follow accounts, wait for them to follow back, then unfollow them. doesn't make sense to me. but whatever. i like having an extra twitter. people are always posting about how much they weigh, eat, think about food, etc. it lets me pretend i'm normal because so many people have the same thought patterns as i do. what throws me off a little is the pro ana people saying "i'm not going to eat." then an hour later "omg b/p'd i'm going to gain i hate myself." why binge? it's pointless.

girl to the far right. i can't wait to have legs that small. also, kudos to the guy for photo bombing. stay strong today, lovelies, whatever that means for you.

xoxo

zette

p.s. got emails about the plate of pills.

three green tea fat burners. they're basically green tea&caffeine, i take them to keep me awake.

two raw multivitamins: to keep me (looking) healthy

two ibuprofen: because after my run, my everything hurts.

one hydroxycut: that's a mental thing. i don't think they do anything.

one l-lysine: for extra immune support&healthy skin.

huge glass of water:to fill my stomach so the pills don't hurt.

11:08pm

i want to cry. but i won't. i'll make 10 little cuts in my skin, on each of my fingertips. i'll practice piano&wipe up the blood&go running because i'm madmadmad that i'm not better.

free to murder myself if i so choose. comforting, morbid, whatever.

if toast were this cute, i might eat it. well i might try to eat it.

when i get my braces off, i'm going to live off apples again.

i hate pushups, too. but i do them anyway.

pretty true. i've been called "scrawny but violent."

so no one will get in, so it won't ever happen again.

funny when this happens to girls. when you get a best friend, don't let yourself go.

a buddy sent this to me. brave little fucker.

oh, to escape the world i'm in.

audrey hepburn, so freaking beautiful. when people tell me they love me, i usually say "i know."

the boys think it's hilarious when i ride their little bikes.

in case you thought i was perfect, i look ridiculous after i purge.

breakfast pretty much every morning for me, in case you were curious.

dear beast: your shoes will never be as cute as her coat. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. 10am tuesday meeting with R even though i don't want to. she wants to take away my razorblades&make me eat.

7:55pm

why eat? it just makes you fat.

A. Age: that's classified.

B. Bed size: twin. had a full, got tired of having so much space taken up.

C. Chore that you hate: dishes. super nasty.

D. Dogs: my italian greyhound is darling. i love her more than i love most people.

E. Essential start to your day: weigh in.

F. Favorite color: grey.

G. Gold or Silver: silver.

H. Height: 5'8"ish.

I. Instruments you play: guitar&piano by ear, i'm busy refusing to admit i can sing.

J. Job title: nanny to rich kids.

K. Kids: never ever.

L. Live: live in the southern part of the usa. 

M. Mother’s name: satan. just kidding.

N. Nicknames: zette, suzi, jack, little.

O. Overnight hospital stays: seizure when i was little, heart stopped, no big deal. also 3rd degree burns on my chest when i was 2. OUCH.

P. Pet peeves: people being arrogant enough to be late everywhere they go.

Q. Quote from a movie: "i have to lose three pounds." from mean girls.

R. Right or left handed: right. everything about me screams "average".

S. Siblings:  i'm the youngest of 5. woop woop.

T. Typical day: fucking survive.

U. Underwear: thongs. dislike panty lines. i judge people for them.

V. Vegetable you hate: can't think of one, honestly.

W. What makes you run late: i'm 5 minutes early everywhere.

X. X-Rays you’ve had: that i remember? my ankle last summer when i hear a loud 'pop' then cried.

Y. Yummy food that you make: forget food. i love tea.

Z. Zoo animal: the squirrels that seem to drag my attention away from the animals i paid to see.

xoxo

zette

p.s. best gift from my boss: $30 itunes card. oh, &the extra $60 for "being so helpful".

7:46pm

went to my friend's new years party. they were playing loud drinking games at the table. so i found a person to stick to, a 6-foot-tall russell brand looking guy named steven. smoked a pack of cigarettes save 3. 5 shots of whiskey, two cans of beer, a glass of wine&a glass of champagne, all on a stomach empty of food for 2 days. steven kept trying to help me around. so then i'd do a pirouette&curtsy to show i didn't need his hands on me. i hold my alcohol well. he's nice though. i played piano&sang for him, oddly enough. he said i have a ballerina's body. at 5:30am i dropped myself on a chair&he crashed on the couch. the sun woke up at 7:30am&smacked me in the face with its light. a guy was in the small chair next to me&looked like he might slide off. he woke up. so i got up&let him take my roomy spot because i'm nice. stood next to steven wondering if there was room for me next to him. i decided there was. so i spent the morning trying to fall asleep, he spent the morning running his hands from my hip bones up my ribs. weird having someone's fingers on my skin. i don't like to be touched. but i was still drunk&his body heat was enough to keep me there. he kissed me&i didn't kiss back. i got up to clean when my friend made her way into the living room. they all went to ihop for breakfast, i stood out of sight until they had all left, then i told sleeping steven goodbye.
after that i helped my sister&her husband move all day. so i'm fucking tired. but it was fun. it's nice to know that i can be normal around a boy. guy. man. whatever. 9 years difference between us. all we did was cuddle. a childhood buddy of mine fucked a guy she met that night in the living room. she looked regretful this morning. she's skinny. hope you guys let yourself have fun like i did. sorry to those of you who got phone calls from me. i had my phone in my combat boot&it took me a while to realize the keyguard was undoing itself.

one of my old friends in the pink. we used to hang out a lot. i never kept food down around her. you wouldn't either. she's my age&about half my size, i think. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. ran razorblades across my feet. bloody socks&shoes. i don't care. i hate zette.