11:01am

so, our cat that has been missing since the 12th ended up 28 miles away. people in the apartment complex saw her sunday night but haven't seen her since. boo. one of my mother's piano students came over to drop off a little dresser for me&fell in love with the last kitten we have left. so hopefully their dad will say yes&she'll be gone. other than that, i've lost another pound. i'm over it. working on losing the next pound. i think i can i think i can, etc. having sliced cucumber (30), red bell pepper (30), &cherry tomatoes (30) for lunch. so (90) plus the almond milk in my coffee gives me an intake of (120) so far. i'll probably have a rice cake (35) later&i'll skip dinner.

or:

when posing with an elephant, it's best if you don't resemble one. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. still sunburned, putting aloe vera gel on my nose constantly. 

9:06am

see? i'm alive. just checking in. not eating today. i love empty days. going running in a few minutes, before it gets too hot. the high is 102 today&if i try to go running in that i'll pass out. drama? let's not.

or:

girl on the left is my age. girl on the right is 4 years older. i don't get it. she looks ready for hibernation. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. water, coffee, water, water, coffee, water water, coffee, water, water, coffee, bedtime.

4:43pm

i'm obsessed. no, focused. sat at starbucks for an hour&a half. listening to good music, drinking iced tea, reading 'wasted'. i was okay. til i saw a skinny girl. a very skinny girl. suddenly my shorts seemed tight, the space between my stomach&my shirt closed up with fat. my arm jiggled when i tapped my ipod to play another song. my fingers grew into stubby things with less coordination than fingers ought to have. i felt myself grow. i took a breath. switched to a quiet song. turned the volume up. checked my ribs. counted. calmed down. this happens often.
my neck is still sore from sleeping on it wrong on tuesday night. i can't really turn my head to the right or look down. went running this morning. it hurt. took ibuprofen&cut my foot open as a reminder of the extra mile i should have gone. would have gone, if i didn't insist on being such a sissy. but i'm working on it. oh brother. this book has got my thoughts all tangled up&tragic. i feel about as weightless as a boulder. click, click, click goes the nail gun. neighbor across the road is still working on his roof. scarysafesound.

or:

what do you look like in your bikini? stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. going grocery shopping with my mother this evening. nervousexcitedthinking.

11:06am

friend is in town. she lives two hours away so she spent the night. now she's in the shower. we went to ihop last night. having our leftovers for breakfast when she gets out. i got chicken florentine crepes, which are 880 calories. i picked at it, some got thrown away with my napkin. i'd guess 200 is what i ate. i'll throw most of it away today too. my friend weighs 50lbs more than i do&we're the same height. but i don't think we look that different. i'm not sure if she just carries her weight well or if my eyes are broken because of all this weirdness in my mind. whatever. the waiter last night was nice. checked on us a lot, stared at me a lot,  etc. boys are polite creatures sometimes. i wonder if they will stare at me more or less when i'm skinny? she's out of the shower so i can't go hunting for pretty photos. i'll make it up to you though. pinky promise. &thanks rachael for being a sweetie.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i hate when i come across a weight loss article&i can't use any of the tips because they require eating more.

10:49am

two energy drinks (40) is what it took to get my room cleaned. well, started. i picked up everything, swept, mopping today. i've got my laundry piled into one big mountain. got up at 7 this morning to start the cycle. wash, dry, hang up. stayed up for almost an hour with my hula hoop last night. went to bed with a sore stomach&a rusty taste in my mouth even after brushing my teeth. greek yogurt for breakfast (100), about to make coffee with almond milk (10). i haven't weighed in. i don't want to. i can't win anymore. lose lose lose. even when losing is good, it makes me feel good in my head, my body is mad at me. my cat scratched my arm last night. i made a little scene of it. showed my mother&talked about how my cat is so skittish now. then i took a razorblade to it to make it stay longer. i'm a fuckup. i'm dizzy. did my crunches this morning. almost. i didn't finish. i got to 230&stayed on the floor for ten minutes or so telling myself to movegetupcontinue. i don't think i'm driving myself crazy. more like surrendering to the existing craziness.

still reading 'wasted'. this book is bringing back details i'd decided to forget. like being in ballet as a kid. tallest in my class. side chasse, pas-de-chat,  pirouette, plie (ignore spelling errors, please) across the studio. i kept screwing up. another girl told the teacher it was because i was too big. another time i was at my friend A's lakehouse with a few people. my other friend M was also there. since i was still going by my first name, we had the same name. she was shorter, skinnier, a little younger. so A called her little M. i was big M. there are more. i hate them. i hate being bigger.
i think it's interesting that on one post i can get different comments&emails about it. some people want me to stop this bullshit. some people wish they could be more like me. confusedhungrysecretive girls online. this book is okay. i don't like being able to relate to someone so much who has the label i keep running away from. i wonder, if i went to counseling, if they would dismiss all this as a phase or if they would worry more. not quite curious enough to find out. they would probably want me to eat more. to ease up on the rules. i spent thursday with friends. i had a fuze (10) &an odwalla bar (200). then we went to chili's for lunch. all we got was chips&queso. 12 chips. 6 stayed in the napkin in my lap. 6 sat in my stomach&beat the shit out of it, or so it felt like. no queso, just salsa. lemon water made me feel cold. fidgetedwiggledtapped in the car, nervous about calories.

my stomach hurts again. half a serving of yogurt did not make it happy for long. cheers for coffee though. skipping lunch, hopefully skipping dinner. i don't want to eat. eating is silly. it takes too long. eating an entire sliced apple takes me over an hour. slowspecificobsessive apple habits. this scratch/cut on my arm is hurting. it's fine. i'm fine. always fine.

or:

2 boys, skinny girl, average girl, 2 more boys. i like this photo. if there's a silhouette photo taken of me, there better be light between my thighs. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. anyone else sort of fill up on the smell of food? i put a cranberry muffin scentsy in my room&my appetite ran away.

10:58am

apple on the plate in front of me. a lady alice apple. safe. sliced thin. slices with yellow peel on the left, red on the right. 6 bites each. chew 26 times. sip of water in between. before breakfast, a cup of coffee with (10) of almond milk. watched law&order, volume turned up to hear their scripted words over my breathing as i jogged in place.
sitting outside later with the book i carry in my purse, 'wasted'. finally going to read it all the way through. i haven't yet. this girl, her eating disorder, seems so familiar. as if our brains came from the same mold, sent to different bodies that were viewed the same way. but i do not have an eating disorder. so how can this be? doesn't matter. people worry even without a reasondiagnosisproof.

or:

the girls on the right are sisters. do you have a sister? i have three&they are all thinner than i am, i think. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. this little mission i'm on of finding information that will tell R. that i don't have an eating disorder is driving me crazy. it's all the same.

11:40am

good morning, ladies. i slept in because i stayed up until 3&apparently my body needed sleep. no biggy. no plans today. sleep is good. anyway, had my period. kind of. it wasn't normal. super light&only lasted two days instead of three like it usually would. again, no biggy.
i was actually going to crash at midnight, but then i saw something out of the corner of my eye, crawling on my wall. if you know me well, you can guess what it was. i can give you a hint. it was fuzzy, about the size of the palm of my hand. when i saw it i said "ugh, no" &walked out of my room. can you guess? yes, it was a tarantula. the biggest i've seen so far. best part? i stepped into the living room, came back, &it had disappeared. so i put shoes on&searched my room at broom handle's length. was about to give up when it got high enough on my silver curtain that i could see it. so my mother sprayed it with eucalyptus&water until it got low enough that we could get it out the window (through a broken window pane, ghetto). then she dropped it on the ground&i stabbed it. then she threw a heavy stepstool on top of it. the stepstool it still out there. we are thorough tarantula murderers. especially when they are in my bedroom.
at camp my best friend pointed out that she&i were the only skinny girls in the condo. i'm not skinny, she is, but she was right that we were the smallest. everyone else was probably  160&above. would you like to see a photo of all of us? of course you would, you creepers. it'll be the reverse.

or:

my best buddy with the reddish hair. love her. i'm huge, especially with my legs squished like that. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. coffee&half an apple for breakfast, coffee&half an apple for lunch. dinner might be bad, going to a friend's house.

6:15pm

so i totally forgot that i posted that video of myself until i came home last night&checked my email. you're sweeties. went to the farmers market today. had a fresh tomato for lunch. i got blueberries, too. i split a banana nut muffin with my cat for breakfast this morning. she was trying to steal it anyway so i would just give every other piece to her. i'm a little tan. but only my arms, chest, &face. i actually had to get my makeup a shade darker. so i guess i'm not a ghost anymore. i'm still way tired. took the stairs 2-3 times a day. 12 flights. my legs are hella sore. worth it? yes. am i making any sense? i hope i am. i don't really read these things before i post, i just skim for typos. my mother drove to our old town 2 hours away to go to a friend's wedding&visit some people. i just got back from riding my bicycle to my sister's house to feed their dog. anyway..

three of the girls from my room. you can imagine how quickly our cookies disappeared. then they went to the vending machines to get more. gross.

or:

photo from camp. the skinny is a really sweet girl. it was 90's night, thus the godawful makeup. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. yes, photos today are based on the fact that i hate my face&that i'm hoping when i'm skinny it won't matter so much that my facial features are ugly.

6:21pm

still finishing packing for camp. spent most of the day helping my mother get ready for her recital, doing everything from folding programs, picking magnolias, &painting her nails. now i am trying to fit all my shit into my suitcase. also, my sister&her husband want to go out to dinner for their anniversary&they want me to babysit while they're gone. they know today is really fucking busy for me. i'm telling them no. they will survive spending the night in or, god forbid, actually having to pay for childcare. wow, i'm snippy today. wish me luck. i'll be gone until friday. don't miss me too much.

or:

don't be fat. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. since whatsherface requested by email&i'm feeling brave. might wanna turn down the volume.

11:06am

got up to clean the house a little because my mother has students over today (she teaches piano), her recital is tomorrow. so sunday i'm going to be her slave all day, then hop on a bus, fall asleep, &wake up at the beach condos for camp. fast went okay yesterday. ended up adding calories to my coffee which is stupid. coconut milk=(80).
i'm sad today. was sad last night, too.  i used to wear as high as a size 7 jeans sometimes. i know it depends on the brand, &since i'm 5'8" i have to find jeans that are long enough, but still. ugh. i bought a new sports bra yesterday, size XS. i got new jean capris too, size 3. i should just get a pat on the back for fitting into a size 3 but i can't when i have such a long way to go.
anyway, going to find some skimpy running shorts. i'll run to the park&back, soak up sunshine&pretend it's all okay.

or:

anyone else think the blonde should be in front of the camera instead of behind it? stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. no, i didn't deliberately post all blonde skinnies, but you're welcome blondies.

11:09am

yesterday i talked to my sister on the phone. then i hung up. i put the phone in my pocket. i sat down to play guitar. i played&sang through "the only exception" by paramore. then i took my phone out to find that i'd called my sister&left her a voicemail. which she shared with her husband, who is the lead singer in his band. so he called me to tell me i have a beautiful voice. oops. no more pocket dialing, phone.
also, i ate ice cream last night. fail. about half a cup. i purged. i hate that. my mouth tasted like acid&rust after brushing my teeth twice. tasted worse this morning. thanks to coffee, it's all good now. also, would you like to know what a creeper i am? okay. my sister's friend R added me on facebook. since she's a few years older than me, her friends are older too. so i went to R's facebook page to creep through her friends for a good reverse photo. who did i find on there? a person i love on lookbook. cheers. found a perfect photo. i'm a ninja. or an egyptian creeper goddess. go follow hey.hana okay? she's darling.

or:

model vs. umm..whale? brilliant. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. fasting today. i've got to mow the lawn&pack for camp. i'm so tired already.

10:34am

i was up kind of late. 4am. thus the sleeping in. if you got a comment on something you posted months ago, it's because i couldn't sleep. so i stayed up readingreadingreading on blogger. in other news, i learned how to do french tips on my nails. so instead of bright blue or dark green, my toenails look like the rest of the girls feet in this yuppie town. shh, don't tell them i did mine at home. my fingernails look the same as usual. copper coloured polish on all but my fourth finger, which is a blueish purple. the funny part is when people ask me why i do that. really? umm, why did you wear your hair in a ponytail today? because you fucking felt like it.

before this turns into a complainy post, i'll stop. i'm going to ride my bike over to my sister's to lay out by her pool. it's only 1.5 miles away but the high is 93 today. not bad, it was 92 yesterday&i went running, but since i had a lowish intake yesterday i'll be a little dizzy. that&the fact that her neighborhood is all hills. i can't lay out in my own back yard because it's not fenced&the..uh..wildlife doesn't seem friendly. (we have all sorts of bugs, tarantulas, raccoons, squirrels, skunks, possums, armadillos, etc) weren't you just hoping for that explanation? oh well. no backspacing now. 

i just clicked over to my email&got hey.hana's comment&it made me laugh. thanks for the laugh, little lady. also i really love the photos i found for today.

or:

bridesmaids. chances are, not all 6 of your closest friends are thin. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. people are slowly finding my habit endearing instead of annoying. my habit of tapping on my collarbones.