10:47am

down 2pounds this morning. listening to rainymood.com along with my current favorite playlist. relaxed morning. going to put coffee on to brew. hang on. okay, back. waiting for it to become coffee. i like coffee a lot. my mother thinks it's weird that i drink it plain, without cream or sugar. anyway, my rule is helping me a lot. (never eat alone) so far it's pretty much i have water&coffee all day, then i eat dinner when my mother gets home. then i work out until i've burned it off, &i wake up a little lighter than the day before. it's lovely. mmm, control. time to go find some pretty photos for us.

or:

the girl on the right is just so small. i want to be that small in the summertime. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i like to set tiny goals. like, 'i won't eat for another hour.' & 'i can do another set of 100. crunches are nothing.' set a tiny goal today. it feels so good to accomplish it.

10:44am

my throat is sore. i haven't purged lately. maybe i'm getting sick? uh-ohh. my tonsils are super red. nooo, i don't want tonsillitis again. emergen-c with water for breakfast. also, i'm sore. well no shit. the little workout routine i've made up hurts quite a bit&i did it twice yesterday. mostly working on my torso&legs. my arms are getting a bit smaller. they might even be starting to look good.
my mother is asking me more often what i ate. this morning, "what did you eat yesterday? i don't see anything missing." i don't like throwing out food. i do it, but not a lot of it. usually just enough to leave dirty dishes. but it's time to step it up, apparently. luckily i am a sneaky person who comes from a sneaky family full of people who have crazy mad lying skills. so i'll be fine. even though, somewhere in the expanse of my mind, i've decided that if i get caught i'll keep going. their approval means nothing compared to my own approval.

or:

you see what food gets you? those girls are the same age. my age. just saying. i'm not eating today. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. pollyanna i asked about menthols (because regular cigs taste like a nursing home) &that's what they told me to try. i like them quite a bit. but i plan on trying other kinds. i have a friend who owns a tobacco shop so i'll be asking him.

p.s.s. all your sweet comments really do make my day. i'll be around the house again today, clicking through blogs, cleaning, coming back to check email, texting the 4 people i text, etc. ilovezette@yahoo.com if you're up for a chat.

10:26am

i'm up. out of bed. it's cold. i want to go back to bed. first thing i did was go to the bathroom. while scrubbing my hands, i took a look at the mess atop my head. goodness. giant brown curls in every direction. see, if i were thin, i could just make my clothes&makeup look perfect&the messy curls would look cute. but as is, i really ought to try harder to make myself presentable. this chubster has some work to do.
also, i would like to point out some people who i've found that should have more support. no, they don't need new bras. just followers. first off, kitti-ann. she's open&she posts cute thinspo. another little lady goes by thin is everything. she writes long posts. i go to her blog when i need something to keep me away from the kitchen. third, monosyllabic girl. she's a sweetie. just a few blogs i like. go follow them.

or:

i vow to always have good posture. anyway, that girl is a ginormosaurus. i wonder if her fat rolls gave her tan lines. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i got plastic popsicle molds at the craft store. you should get some. i like making whateverthefuck i want to be frozen.

11:28am

liquid fast today. water&black coffee. only calories will be vitamin water with emergen-c so i don't fall over when i take surprise to the park. (for the new kiddies, surprise is my dog's name. yes, i look like an idiot when i lose her in the neighborhood yelling "surprise")
 i've written "don'tyoudare" on my left wrist today. writing on myself is really helpful for me. also, i made a choker necklace to remind me. it's a little tight so i can always feel it. i like it. physical things like that are nice to have when nothing else is telling me i don't need to eat. except my stomach. when i eat more than a few hundred calories my stomach hurts a lot. so i guess that helps, too.
did i mention that i'm happy? well, happyish. happyish because i'm not doing as well as i want to, but happy that i'm better than i was. i'm getting there. you're a big part of that. without all the sweet comments i'd walk around focusing on my mistakes&thinking i'm a huge failure. thanks, ladies. oops. long post. random photos.

or:

i feel as big as the girl on the left. i hate being tall. it makes me feel like a monster. 5'8" fatty. oh well. maybe when i'm as thin as the girl on the right i'll feel better. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. the song "my silent undoing" by queen adreena creeps me out a bit. but i kept it on my playlist.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/21722388747/standalone

8:28am

okay, okay, i did it again. worried for no reason. i'm down 2.8lbs today. do you know what this means? it means   i don't have to wear my fat jeans. also, i'm shaky&sore. just did 50 crunches&stumbled when i got up from them. fail. luckily, we just got a new box of emergen-c packets so i'll put one in a vitamin water zero. (25) for breakfast. i hope today is as good as i feel like it'll be.

or:

the girl on the left doesn't look bad, but the girl on the right looks better. we should be better. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. thanks for the encouragement. you ladies are the best.

11:41am

i tried yesterday. i really did. i was at (0). i had coffee, tea, vitamin water zero, &lotsofwater. until my mother came home. earlier that day she had baked two sweet potatoes&eaten one of them for lunch. so after she left, i scraped one of them out, leaving the skin, dirty fork&plate on the counter. anyway, dinner was soup, which i counted to be around (350).
i stayed up for over an hour working it off. i lost count of exercises. but i think i burned it off. i haven't weighed myself. i don't want to. i'm nervous. (350) isn't a lot for a total, but still. this morning i poured a bowl of cheerios&coconut milk (95). i left it in my room until my mother left to get gas for the lawn mower. then i threw it out. i do not want to eat.

or:

oh look, there's a tiny person in the middle. funny thing is, the girl on the left? people would prolly tell her she's not fat. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. walking my dog to get some sun. color is healthy. when i'm dull&pale, people worry.

11:54am

stayed up until 3 or so. did crunches&jumping jacks to work off dinner, which was spinach (7) fat free dressing (25) lamb (100).  so my intake yesterday was (227) &i'm down two pounds this morning. black coffee for breakfast. yum.
in other news, i watched a few episodes of the uk skins last night. cassie is bonkers. i hope i never get to a point where my side of conversations mostly consists of "wow" or "totally". but she's also adorable. looking at her makes me think it's okay to wear my bedhead around instead of trying to tame it. maybe just add a few bobby pins? how do you ladies wear your hair?

or:

if the girl in the middle would tone her tummy she'd be perfect. she's close. i'm not that close. i imagine i look more like the white giant on the right. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. looks like i'll be able to buy a bicycle by this weekend. i'm excited.

3:32pm

orthodontist this morning. saw lots of skinnies this morning. one girl was crazy small&she looked great. her cheeks were a little sunken in but her makeup was perfect. 
my intake is (95) until my mother gets home for dinner, which she says will be lamb burgers&sweet potatoes. so depending on how much she's watching me my total for the day will probably be (400) or so. but she won't be home until late so i have about 6 hours to exercise&play guitar&play with oil pastels. i did this instead of homework yesterday. i should have just done my homework. anyway, reinstating my noeatingalone rule has been a good way to give up snacks.

or:

the girl on the right is in the "knees need padding" club. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. holy motherfucking hell i'm hungry. mirror, please remind me why i cannot eat.

11:17am

catching up on all that was posted while i was asleep, it seems everyone has some specific plan that will make them the smallest they can be. i got two emails yesterday about what mine is. umm...well there are my two rules. 1)never finish a full serving of anything, 2)never eat alone. the only problem with the second one is that i'm sometimes tempted to binge when my mother gets home in the evening. but i've been good lately. other than that i do 10 crunches before i can eat. if i'm going out with friends, i do 50 crunches at home before leaving. if i go over 600 calories, i do not eat more than 100 the next day. there are lots of small rules like that. it's complicated, i suppose.

my friend LL posted on her facebook that she's lost 20lbs. when asked her secret, she said "watching calories." well, duh. why do so many people not do this? do they think all food is the same&that it will just magically add up to their limit for the day? do they just not have limits? is that why people climb up the scale to obesity? hm.

or:

skinny is pretty. average is average. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i think when i reach my next goal weight i'll post a photo for you little misses. sound okay to you?

9:52am

so yesterday i'd had 4 cups of coffee, 6 cups of water. then my mother came home&insisted i eat soup. with tortilla chips. seriously? i ate part of it. i don't know how many calories. but it hurt my stomach like a motherfucker. i drank vitamin water&then made mint tea but my stomach wouldn't forgive me. after mother was asleep i did 50 extra crunches&100 jumping jacks. i felt a little better.
also, to becky, the quote is super old. i assume i was referring to pro ana people. i was pro ana. i don't know what i am now. i decided to try a stupid/bad/unhealthy/unsafe diet&now the voice i adopted in my head never seems to go away. i suppose it's true that people can drive themselves to madness. anyway, mystery soup was veggies in beef broth, 6 oz, marking it down at 500.

or:

compare the girl in jeans to the girl in the center. hm. makes me want to get a tan. &throw away my breakfast instead of eating it. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. going back to my old rule, "do not eat alone. there's no reason to."

1:01pm

i went back to my old blog to find a picture but i found this&i like it so yes, i'm going to quote myself, however narcissistic that may be:


"wait, i remember what i wanted to say now. some of you seem to be really discouraged. don't be so fucking hard on yourself. i have a secret. we all eat. it's why we're still breathing. just remember that we all screw up. you're not the only one who takes "days off" from ana so you can think straight. keep your chin up&only continue if it's what you want. this isn't a contest. we're all backing each other. kapeesh? okay pep talk over. i've missed you guys."

or:

guess i just like blonde skinnies today. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i'm not eating today. i have coffee&vitamin water, so there's no need to. cheers for emptiness.

3:22pm

slumber party: mystery calories, bonfire, 7 dogs, 200 crunches, stay up til 6am, got up at 11, drank coffee, went grocery shopping, just had a salad spinach(20) turkey(50) tomatoes(10) dressing(20) total(100)


anyway, awards are floating around again.

thanks to ayden/dear ana & cora for nominating me. you're sweeties.

Seven things:

1. i just bought 10 bottles of vitamin water zero for $5 at kroger.

2. i'm going to plant larkspur outside my window because tall, purple flowers are always a good idea.

3. i really like that my cat spinny announces herself with a meow when she walks in the room&i secretly like her more than i do some of my friends.

4. most days i feel like a complete loser because i don't want to spend $30 every weekend to go out with friends&do stupid things when we could spend $2 on a loaf of bread to feed ducks at the marina&have a blast.

5. i don't know if i want to call myself pro ana. i'm more pro doing whateverthefuckyou want to if it makes you happy. losing weight makes me happy.

6. i hate my legs. i obsess over them. i have dreams of them being thinner than my knees, &i have nightmares about them falling off/being ripped off/being stolen&eaten. sheesh.

7. it really makes me sad that i'm so big. it makes me sad every day. when i lose weight, i'm happy. but later, alone, i feel the layer of fat&i want to cry. except i don't cry anymore. crying is stupid.

the rules say to pick a "newly discoverd" blogger, but i haven't discovered new people really because i just got back. so fuck the rules. i love these ladies.

1. merely rose at lovely me (she's a sweetheart.)

2. teresauras at lickstrangefruit (fantastic? yes.)

3. jane doe at to be weightless.. (lovely&more loyal than i deserve for her to be.)

4. lilah lee at a diamond in the rough (miss kels gives good tips&makes me smile.)

5. felicia at broken wings (she's a doll&her honesty is appreciated.)

6. emily at corruption (for putting up with me&for her encouragement.)

7. savanna at fatty falling flat (tongue twister blog title&wonderful pictures.)

8. monosyllabic girl at booger fairies and pixie farts (perfect thinspo&funny posts.)

9. lexi at choking on glass (she's a tough little cookie&could use some more followers.)

10. harlow b at staying thin~thinking out loud (you probably already know how lovely she is.)

or:

the girl on the left isn't even fat but the girl on the right looks so much better. i like stripes&i'm stoked that one day i'll look good in them. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i bought a one-piece swimsuit tonight as an incentive to not be a motherfucking whale this summer.

p.p.s. i started this at 3:22, it is now 10:13. oops. also, didn't check it so ignore any typos.

11:04am

feeling better today emotionally. but physically i'm feeling hot&cold&achy with a lovely sore throat. i was feeling the same way last night. so maybe i'm getting sick? i'm not sure. my body does all sorts of strange things when i don't feed it. hmm.

or:

skinny vs. average. or is she a little big? sheesh. i can't really tell anymore. whatever. blondie has a darling body. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. a big, genuine thank-you to those who have helped me get the word out. starting a new blog is zero fun.