p.s. was thinking of judith today. a sweet soul.
p.p.s. i'm alright, ladies. i'll be alright. i always am.
Friday, December 30, 2011
11:35pm
nothing terrible or wonderful going on. i'm tired. there's a package of double-sided oreos next to me. do you know how gross oreos are? (70)-for-one-cookie gross. too-sweet-hurts-your-teeth gross. fucks sake i'm freezing. always. it's hard to sleep when i'm so cold. even with my electric blanket turned on high. even with my arms (elbows are the biggest part now, i measured yesterday) wrapped around my giant ribcage. just really fucking cold. food makes me want to cry i want it so badly. but eating is bad. isn't it? no, eating is good. it's what keeps me alive. alive is good. right? i feel so shattered lately. as if i'm smiling, but even strangers see that it's fake because my teeth have been yanked from my head. i feel so in tune with my body. i know what every ache, discoloration, blurrydizzyzombie feeling is. yet i'm not sure what i look like. i do not understand why the scale can say i'm 20lbs lighter than i was at one point but the mirror says i've grown enormously. i'm afraid to tell anyone that i'm afraid. they'll tell me slowly, because i'm stupid, e, d, n, o, s, uglyfatbrat&throw me back into the sea of bones&blood. i want someone to carry me to a pretty coffin&kiss me on the head&whisper goodbye, tell me it's alright to let go.
p.s. was thinking of judith today. a sweet soul.
p.p.s. i'm alright, ladies. i'll be alright. i always am.
p.s. was thinking of judith today. a sweet soul.
p.p.s. i'm alright, ladies. i'll be alright. i always am.
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Alive is good. Very very good.
ReplyDeleteAlive has ponies and yarn.
The mirror is a lying prick. It doesn't even show colours properly!
Love <3
I hope you are having a beautiful weekend, please try and realise that being alive is good. it's necessary for you to play with your pets, to laugh, to cry, to look yourself at the mirror sometime and love you back.
ReplyDeleteI wish you a happy 2012 :)
That's sweet of you. I hope you'll be okay. You sound very sad.
ReplyDeleteI used to say that all the time: I'm fine. I'm okay. or answering to the thoughtless "How are you!" - "I have to, don't I?" (it doesn't translate well into English). You keep a strong appearance outside; inside you deny that you don't feel alright.
I know exactly how you are feeling at the moment, but I hope there will be some light at the end of the tunnel soon for you. Sometimes you have to go through the worst before it gets better. Let yourself not be absorbed by the discrepancy between mirror and scales. The first one is seldom right and the latter dictates your feelings.
xx
Judith
Everything can seem so complicated. Ahh, for the simplicity of life! I agree that you sound particularly sad. Feel better, Zette. I think you deserve happiness. <3
ReplyDeleteit's okay to tell. it's okay to ask. don't be afraid, it's alright.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better hun. We all know how you feel. Just know we are here for you, understand and will never judge. I hope you feel better (even though i know I'm personally tired of that exact phrase :/ )
ReplyDelete<3