11:35pm

nothing terrible or wonderful going on. i'm tired. there's a package of double-sided oreos next to me. do you know how gross oreos are? (70)-for-one-cookie gross. too-sweet-hurts-your-teeth gross. fucks sake i'm freezing. always. it's hard to sleep when i'm so cold. even with my electric blanket turned on high. even with my arms (elbows are the biggest part now, i measured yesterday) wrapped around my giant ribcage. just really fucking cold. food makes me want to cry i want it so badly. but eating is bad. isn't it? no, eating is good. it's what keeps me alive. alive is good. right? i feel so shattered lately. as if i'm smiling, but even strangers see that it's fake because my teeth have been yanked from my head. i feel so in tune with my body. i know what every ache, discoloration, blurrydizzyzombie feeling is. yet i'm not sure what i look like. i do not understand why the scale can say i'm 20lbs lighter than i was at one point but the mirror says i've grown enormously. i'm afraid to tell anyone that i'm afraid. they'll tell me slowly, because i'm stupid, e, d, n, o, s, uglyfatbrat&throw me back into the sea of bones&blood. i want someone to carry me to a pretty coffin&kiss me on the head&whisper goodbye, tell me it's alright to let go.

p.s. was thinking of judith today. a sweet soul.
p.p.s. i'm alright, ladies. i'll be alright. i always am.

12:30pm

buying a cheap scale today, the complicated ones have fucked me over.

personally, my weird face would be forgivable if i had a better body. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. follow me on twitter @emptylittlemiss

10:33am

work is fine, my favorite sister, V, came for a visit&i barely got to see her. i have 10 days before i go back to work. my brother&his wife are driving up to colorado to visit V. i really want to go. but my oldest sister&her family are moving into their new house this week&i volunteered to help. to be honest, though, i don't want to leave my room. it got messy this week. i'm undoing that. i want to hang my art, vintage guitar, &new metal seahorse on the wall. maybe the 45's, too. all while drinking coffee&listening to good music&bad music.
books are what keep me relaxed lately. i bought my own copy of wintergirls a while back. i read it once in a while. i had lost my copy of "hollow" by jena morrow. so last night i bought a new one. it's an odd book. it makes me want to eatnoteatlivediesmile all at the same time. it's a good read. also motivation, when she talks about being 91lbs at 5'6".
silly me, nothing to say&posting anyway. in january i'll have a week of being with the boys from 7am-7pm every day. i'll be tired but at least we can get back to our routine. i'm a good nanny. the boys are sad when i leave&happy when i arrive. i love them to pieces. i've been staying healthy for their safety, but i'm tired of that. i have been to a lower weight&i'd like to go there again. i know my limits. i know how much food it takes to get through a week without forgetting pieces of it&i will not go below or above that. oh bother, no one told me i was rambling. when i have to scroll up to see the top of my post, it's too long. as for the last post, i'd like to clarify.

my legs, without as much muscle from running, look a little bowed. but i'm good with that. 

girls my age. notice that the 'curvy' girls are in the back. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo
zette
p.s. my current addiction is going to discount stores like ross to get bags of coffee. coconut coffee is today's flavor. it makes it more enjoyable to drink it black.p.p.s. ell, thanks for understanding.

8:20pm

you know what sucks? being ugly.

9:06am

R has a favorite word. "disease." when i say something that doesn't make sense to her, she drops a little phrase about "just the disease". usually followed by a sentence started with "i know that.." as if she really does know. but i can't get over that word. disease. like i'm a filthycontagiousawful creature who needs to be fixed. also, like the immature creature that i am, i just asked her on facebook to pick a new word. she said, "disease: a disordered system of the body resulting from the effect of nutritional deficiency or unfavorable environmental factors - starving yourself causes your body to not function properly therefore affecting our ability to think and act logically - you know I love you and I'm not beating around the bush anymore." i'm feeling more&more like a project that she needs to finish. i don't want her to pretend i'm okay, i don't want her to tell me i'm not okay, i don't want anything from her. or from anyone else. i want to eat an orange, do my laundry, go running with my dog, &drink hot tea with a stack of books next to me. fuck you, world.

girl on the right is a ballerina. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. if you ever come to my town, could you please hang banners around that say something like "stop trying to fix zette".

12:51pm

let's clarify. my best friend M is younger than i am. i met their family when i was coming up, getting better, behaving myself. so they assumed i was always like that. til i started going down again. they won't talk to me&i haven't tried talking to them, so i'm assuming the mother just doesn't want my friend to start picking up my bad habits. i scared them&i feel bad for that, but i really don't think that cutting someone out of your life should be so abrupt. i could be wrong though.
i bought v8 fusion juice at costco. a can (170) lasts me all day. also when i met up with R she decided to bug me for 20 minutes about counseling. why i need it, why she wants me to, why i don't want to go, etc. she said she would call to see if they have an opening in the next couple weeks&let me know so i can think about it. i don't want to. i'm fine, dude. when i'm unhealthy, go ahead&worry. but don't call the fat girl anorexic. she also likes to use the word "disease" a lot, which makes me feel dirtyuselesscontagious. sweet.

i want to be skinny so when i have walmart adventures, there can be photos. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. got our christmas tree today. waiting for the branches to settle so we can decorate it tomorrow.
p.p.s. yes, lucy scares the hell out of me. which is why i love sleeping pills.

11:46am

my best friend's family is doing their best to erase me from their lives. not completely sure what i did, but i'm sure they're just trying to protect M from my terriblehorribleawfulness. whatever, moving on.
i have a big bruise on my back where my ribs&spine hit the floor from doing crunches. we have hardwood floors. i need to get a rug. for now, though, i'll find another exercise to do instead so this bruise can heal.
meeting up with R on thursday at starbucks. i'm nervous. my best friend's family talked to her, so she might have some notsofun words for me. but that's okay, too.
i haven't been sleeping well lately. i live off caffeine through coffee&the fat burner pills so i can safely get things done at work. then i come home, go to bed, &wake up 6-8 times during the night. because lucy is back again. oh, lucy is the cute name i gave to the thing that scares the hell out of me in my nightmares. i wrote about her. a long time ago.

lucy's skin is thick

but transparent, like a membrane

with just the sound of its breath

it ignores all time frames

on its face a vertical line

contorting with emotion

all i've seen is anger

hunger, revulsion

its legs are strong

long, muscular

its torso like a man's

veins show too much

unlike any other

is its gait

hunched over

with a limp

quick but hindered

the sound of footsteps, chains

the thinnest metal wraps its ankles

just the sound of it, i'm drained

i don't like lucy

not at all

not to hear

not to call

its arms are disproportionate

bigger than the rest

the fingers are chapped lips

they cannot hide the smell of its breath

wide, serrated teeth

beyond the peeling fingertips

yellowed, rotting

each one holds skin, grips

its wrist holds tonsils

or something like them

shaped much like my own

with a tongue like snakes, alive

the throat is long

up to the elbow

bending, up the shoulders

the ugliest color i've seen

a creature like no other

not sure what lucy is

something sinister

made of memories?

its crooked legs

carry it toward me

a breeze throws

its stench in my face

rotting

decomposing

wasting away

decay

its lips

fingertips

part slowly

close again

releasing breath

&screams

of souls of victims ages ago

perhaps in others' dreams

lucy robs me of sleep

of peaceful rest

of safety

without eyes it watches me

i'm paralyzed

grasping an opportunity

wrapping me in lies

when i awake i'm almost free

left with only fear

a bad taste

a sick feeling

but soon i'll sleep again

it'll be waiting

through the cycles

down to REM

unconscious

it will reach inside me

stealing my voice, my screams

it's what i have to look forward to

&my friends tell me "sweet dreams".

when you're thin, you get to be on top of the pyramid. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

"being thin&not eating are signs of true willpower&success." i have that line stuck in my head.