11:12am

somebody emailed me a question&i decided to answer it today. so to whoever lilgirllost is, my highest weight was 132. since i'm 5'8" that's not overweight, i know, but still. so that answers other questions, about whether or not i've ever been overweight. i haven't. technically. but i'm sure a few of you can understand how it feels to be built curvy, told you're curvy, even told it's a good thing, but look in the mirror&see pounds of unnecessary fat. i was huge. i mean i'm pretty big now, but looking back i can't imagine having a bmi of 20 or so again. too too too much. i don't have an 'ultimate goal weight'. i can't possibly know at what weight i'll look okay. so i'll just go on until....until what? i'm not sure. i guess we'll see.

or:

when you decide to act like a child, it works best if you're not the size of a beast. i'm sorry you had to hold that girl up, monkey bars. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. sitting outside with tanning oil on my legs for a an hour or so today. t-shirt to save my sunburned shoulders. sunscreen on my rudolph nose. fucking paleness.

12:08pm

going swimming today. also, surprise did not break her leg. my brother's dog did. she's smaller than surprise. she looks pitiful/adorable with her pink cast. 

surprise is fine, all four legs intact. perseus is stuck trying to walk while dragging that giant cast around. my brother's wife keeps a dog bed beside her&moves perseus room to room so she won't be alone. anyway, swimming. i bought some tanning oil to help my legs get a little darker so i won't get sunburned at camp. i know, a week isn't enough time to get a tan outdoors but every little bit helps. just a step up from ghostly pale. hmm...nothing else to say. time for photos.

or:

okay. the girl on the left in both photos is the same girl. in the left photo, she looks thin in comparison. but then you put her next to someone thinner in the photo on the right&she begins to fall out of the thin category&fall into average. funny how that works. i want to be the thinnest. stay strong today, lovelies. 

xoxo

zette

p.s. please cross your fingers for me, i have to wear a bikini around my family&be around food all day.

9:15am

sometimes a person will squeeze my arm&say something like "you've got no meat on you. go eat something." so i laugh&mention some nasty food, like "i'm getting wendy's after this." i would never. fast food isn't allowed. but it gives people back their carefree american attitude after my...whatever it is...makes them worry. i hate when people look me up&down&then give me a look i'm supposed to understand. either a sad, quizzical, annoyed, or, worst of all, a knowing look. you know, they purse their lips into a thin smile, make their eyes a tiny bit sad, &give the slightest nod. it's a knowing look. but what do they know?
something else i hate is when something bad happens to someone else&you can't do a motherfucking thing about it so you just have to hold on to what you have. i'm always at the dog park. since i have an italian greyhound, people are curious. they're not terribly common. people ask about her 'fragile legs' but i always tell them they're more sturdy than they look. last night i met my brother, his wife, &her father at the dog park. surprise was having fun. perseus (pur-say-us), spartacus, &little girl were having fun, too. then perseus jumped all the way up into my brother's arms. my brother is a big guy. then she jumped back down, onto the concrete. as soon as she landed my sister-in-law said "oh gosh, it's broken." fuck. yes, i watched a dog break her leg. after telling people that my dog's legs are so sturdy. since it was late they had it splinted at the emergency vet clinic&got pain meds. they'll take her to a vet they trust to set&cast it. so i'm paranoid about surprise's legs today. but we'll go running.

or:

i know some people have medical reasons that they're overweight, but most don't. i wish people would stop acting like it's some disability we've got to make room for. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. falling in love with hunger pains.

11:55am

feeling better today. the kittens are ready for new homes. i think i promised photos of them? whatever. i forgot. so i'll do that today. nothing else to say. just the same girl looking fat&feeling fatter.

or:

the girl in the middle has lovely skinny legs, even though they are dalmatian-like from being cold. i can relate. to being cold, not to being skinny. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. kitten (which i pronounce 'kidden' for some reason) photos.

socks is my favorite:

figarro, the only boy:

chubster isn't fat, just fluffy:

freckles:

4:23pm

sick. trying not to be a superlazyslob. i only did 50 crunches before bed last night. they hurt a lot. feeling like a slacker. i leave for camp next sunday. going off what the food has been the last few times i've gone, my plan is to be a vegetarian for the week. that should keep me safe. however, i will not have a scale&that is going to drive me crazy. also, i'll need to remember to drink enough water. last year i was really dizzy when we were out in the sun. in other news, i binged&purged. 600 unnecessary calories. gross.

or:

make up your own goddamn caption, i'm going to bed. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

11:29am

warning: zette has gone loopy. apologies if nothing makes sense for the next few days. going back to my sister's today. pretty soon, actually. just have to wash my face, get dressed, &take surprise out. anyway, i know yesterday's post was weird. i was sketching at starbucks&the sketches came out weird too. bones all disfigured&broken with a closet of clothes off to the side. things like that. i'm not sure where my head went. sorry if i weirded you out or made you worry. i just have days when that's all that runs through my head. but i don't usually share it. whoops.
i was at 100 calories (2 popsicles/10mints) until i got home. then i ate a slice of pizza. i went to bed because my stomach had been hurting all day. but i felt guilty so i got up&purged. i didn't feel better but i fell asleep anyway even though the rain had stopped (oh yeah, we had a tornado watch until midnight. no big deal, we never actually have tornadoes here. just windrainlightninghail.
now that i'm awake i'm in a weird mood today. how do i take care of a 4year old when all i can think about is how fat i am? at 5'8" i feel huge all the time. i hate being tall. even when my friends talk about fitting into a size 12&i don't want to tell them my 5's are falling off. can i scream today? nonono, i cannot crack my mask. but i can smile. can i? yes. i checked. smiling muscles are functioning properly. goodness. goodness? no goodness here. only silly insanity with days of calm dripped here&there. i've been resting my right hand on my collarbone&typing with my left. i'm right-handed. this post is long. long like the list of goals i have. small goals. reachable. i've reached some of them. why am i so big? maybe my legs will fall off, like they do in my nightmares. they ought to weigh quite a bit. then i'll weigh less. but then i won't be able to run away. i do like to run away. oh dear, i've lost my head again.

or:

i can relate to the sunburn. i get one or two every summer. but she's thinner than i am, i think. can i be that thin? yes. one day. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i want a basket for my bicycle. also i want a backpack. hmph.

zerozerozero only zerozerozero is enough. i will not eat today. it is just one day twenty-four hours is not enough but it is my choice to continue. my mess is not their problem. i should not hurt them. this pain is my own. i need it. i am not a slave to my body but i am. i will be more by being less. breathe in, breathe out, repeat. reality is this. it is not what they tell me i need to get back to. that is a curious world. it is too loud, too big, too invasive for me. if i let them in they will just want out. it is awful in here. awful, beautiful, home inside my head. full of mean creatures, invisible. but they do not scare me anymore. they will help me be skinny. when i am skinny, the scars will not matter anymore. people will not tell me the truth. the mirror is not so afraid to scream the truth in my face every day.
if i eat i will be obese. it will happen quickly. i cannot afford to make a mistake. if i make a mistake i will bleedgagpukespit until i am small. i am deaddeaddeaddead i am not dead yet. only tired. too tired to be there for them. too tired to eat. too hungry to sleep.
i will be a ghost. i will haunt them, but they will keep me. i will not weigh in today. if i weigh as much as i feel i must, i will be sad. if i weigh less, it will not be low enough. back to the mirror. just checking again. i stare into my eyes. they are darker than they were. the circles underneath take away the gold. they are just brown. dark brown. dead.
i want to cry. i feel i should cry. but i cannot cry. even when i am alone. i do need to be alone though. when i am alone i can breathe in, breathe out, continue. one day my body will be perfect. so perfect that my ugly face will not matter. right now i am not prettygracefulnormalgoodconfidentsmallthinbonyperfect enough. but i will be. i just have to stay calm. i can do this. i am doing this. i am watching them. they are not doing it properly. they are eating. what is that they are putting into themselves? it is not food. it is only calories. numbers sliding into their stomachs to make the number on their scales climb higher. do they not know? how can they not know what they are doing to themselves? would it be better to be like me? of course not.
i am a silly girl. i am full of dreams that twist to nightmares easily. i am bruised. i have been sliced open but i am too frozen to drain. too cold to feel what they want me to feel. they want me to talk to someone. but i cannot talk about this. not to someone real. someone real will know. they will know but they will not understand. they will want to fix my head. to make sure that my body does not follow my thoughts. but it must. it has to. but i do not have an eating disorder. of course not. anorexics are thin people. determined. i am determined. but i am not thin. not yet.

or:

when you are skinny you will look better in a striped towel than other people do in shorts&a t-shirt. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. so many words inmyhead. a headache? no, that's just me. silly little miss.