10:33am

work is fine, my favorite sister, V, came for a visit&i barely got to see her. i have 10 days before i go back to work. my brother&his wife are driving up to colorado to visit V. i really want to go. but my oldest sister&her family are moving into their new house this week&i volunteered to help. to be honest, though, i don't want to leave my room. it got messy this week. i'm undoing that. i want to hang my art, vintage guitar, &new metal seahorse on the wall. maybe the 45's, too. all while drinking coffee&listening to good music&bad music.
books are what keep me relaxed lately. i bought my own copy of wintergirls a while back. i read it once in a while. i had lost my copy of "hollow" by jena morrow. so last night i bought a new one. it's an odd book. it makes me want to eatnoteatlivediesmile all at the same time. it's a good read. also motivation, when she talks about being 91lbs at 5'6".
silly me, nothing to say&posting anyway. in january i'll have a week of being with the boys from 7am-7pm every day. i'll be tired but at least we can get back to our routine. i'm a good nanny. the boys are sad when i leave&happy when i arrive. i love them to pieces. i've been staying healthy for their safety, but i'm tired of that. i have been to a lower weight&i'd like to go there again. i know my limits. i know how much food it takes to get through a week without forgetting pieces of it&i will not go below or above that. oh bother, no one told me i was rambling. when i have to scroll up to see the top of my post, it's too long. as for the last post, i'd like to clarify.

my legs, without as much muscle from running, look a little bowed. but i'm good with that. 

girls my age. notice that the 'curvy' girls are in the back. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo
zette
p.s. my current addiction is going to discount stores like ross to get bags of coffee. coconut coffee is today's flavor. it makes it more enjoyable to drink it black.p.p.s. ell, thanks for understanding.

8:20pm

you know what sucks? being ugly.

9:06am

R has a favorite word. "disease." when i say something that doesn't make sense to her, she drops a little phrase about "just the disease". usually followed by a sentence started with "i know that.." as if she really does know. but i can't get over that word. disease. like i'm a filthycontagiousawful creature who needs to be fixed. also, like the immature creature that i am, i just asked her on facebook to pick a new word. she said, "disease: a disordered system of the body resulting from the effect of nutritional deficiency or unfavorable environmental factors - starving yourself causes your body to not function properly therefore affecting our ability to think and act logically - you know I love you and I'm not beating around the bush anymore." i'm feeling more&more like a project that she needs to finish. i don't want her to pretend i'm okay, i don't want her to tell me i'm not okay, i don't want anything from her. or from anyone else. i want to eat an orange, do my laundry, go running with my dog, &drink hot tea with a stack of books next to me. fuck you, world.

girl on the right is a ballerina. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. if you ever come to my town, could you please hang banners around that say something like "stop trying to fix zette".

12:51pm

let's clarify. my best friend M is younger than i am. i met their family when i was coming up, getting better, behaving myself. so they assumed i was always like that. til i started going down again. they won't talk to me&i haven't tried talking to them, so i'm assuming the mother just doesn't want my friend to start picking up my bad habits. i scared them&i feel bad for that, but i really don't think that cutting someone out of your life should be so abrupt. i could be wrong though.
i bought v8 fusion juice at costco. a can (170) lasts me all day. also when i met up with R she decided to bug me for 20 minutes about counseling. why i need it, why she wants me to, why i don't want to go, etc. she said she would call to see if they have an opening in the next couple weeks&let me know so i can think about it. i don't want to. i'm fine, dude. when i'm unhealthy, go ahead&worry. but don't call the fat girl anorexic. she also likes to use the word "disease" a lot, which makes me feel dirtyuselesscontagious. sweet.

i want to be skinny so when i have walmart adventures, there can be photos. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. got our christmas tree today. waiting for the branches to settle so we can decorate it tomorrow.
p.p.s. yes, lucy scares the hell out of me. which is why i love sleeping pills.

11:46am

my best friend's family is doing their best to erase me from their lives. not completely sure what i did, but i'm sure they're just trying to protect M from my terriblehorribleawfulness. whatever, moving on.
i have a big bruise on my back where my ribs&spine hit the floor from doing crunches. we have hardwood floors. i need to get a rug. for now, though, i'll find another exercise to do instead so this bruise can heal.
meeting up with R on thursday at starbucks. i'm nervous. my best friend's family talked to her, so she might have some notsofun words for me. but that's okay, too.
i haven't been sleeping well lately. i live off caffeine through coffee&the fat burner pills so i can safely get things done at work. then i come home, go to bed, &wake up 6-8 times during the night. because lucy is back again. oh, lucy is the cute name i gave to the thing that scares the hell out of me in my nightmares. i wrote about her. a long time ago.

lucy's skin is thick

but transparent, like a membrane

with just the sound of its breath

it ignores all time frames

on its face a vertical line

contorting with emotion

all i've seen is anger

hunger, revulsion

its legs are strong

long, muscular

its torso like a man's

veins show too much

unlike any other

is its gait

hunched over

with a limp

quick but hindered

the sound of footsteps, chains

the thinnest metal wraps its ankles

just the sound of it, i'm drained

i don't like lucy

not at all

not to hear

not to call

its arms are disproportionate

bigger than the rest

the fingers are chapped lips

they cannot hide the smell of its breath

wide, serrated teeth

beyond the peeling fingertips

yellowed, rotting

each one holds skin, grips

its wrist holds tonsils

or something like them

shaped much like my own

with a tongue like snakes, alive

the throat is long

up to the elbow

bending, up the shoulders

the ugliest color i've seen

a creature like no other

not sure what lucy is

something sinister

made of memories?

its crooked legs

carry it toward me

a breeze throws

its stench in my face

rotting

decomposing

wasting away

decay

its lips

fingertips

part slowly

close again

releasing breath

&screams

of souls of victims ages ago

perhaps in others' dreams

lucy robs me of sleep

of peaceful rest

of safety

without eyes it watches me

i'm paralyzed

grasping an opportunity

wrapping me in lies

when i awake i'm almost free

left with only fear

a bad taste

a sick feeling

but soon i'll sleep again

it'll be waiting

through the cycles

down to REM

unconscious

it will reach inside me

stealing my voice, my screams

it's what i have to look forward to

&my friends tell me "sweet dreams".

when you're thin, you get to be on top of the pyramid. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

"being thin&not eating are signs of true willpower&success." i have that line stuck in my head.

9:33am

gained weight, lost weight, popping green tea fat burners like candy. hydroxycut leaves a funny taste in my mouth. maybe trying the caffeine-free kind next so i can have my coffee, too. last night was a blast. got off work, went home&put on my black tights, black lace tights over that, black shorts, black cami, black combat boots, grey jacket, &drove to my friend's. she was my mother's friend. i was her daughter's friend. but now it's just us two who are still crazy. seems my mother&her daughter brushed off the glitter&ran away to realityland. we went to the museum for the gaultier collection. got there after the runway set&watched the pretty models in plain clothes walk around with their iphones&gaudy makeup. saw similar makeup after the show when we went to the gay district. so many pretty boys. they smell good, too, &love to give hugs. i'd had 3 crackers during the day, so the single glass of white wine loosened me up. we went to some club&they put big fat X's on my hands. i made a sad face at the man with the marker so he drew a heart on my hand as well. he draws hearts better than i can. anyway, headed to the dance floor. talked to a guy, his breath smelled like vomit. wandered around&found a spot to dance. a man with crooked teeth danced with my friend. a guy with perfect teeth who smelled like gingerbread&britney spears perfume ambled up behind me. dancing with a straight guy can be awkward. they pull your hips in close&rub their jeans against yours. dancing with a gay guy is fun. they put their hands on your waist, tell you you're stunning, wrap your curls around their fingers&say, in a voice a little higher than your own, "how the fuck do you get it to do this?" then they ask you to take their photo with their supershortsuperskinny boyfriend. dance floor got old, the music got old, the old men got old. we slipped upstairs to see what the lights looked like from up there. we wandered into a lounge with boring people on cold couches. we wandered into another lounge where men dressed as women&lip-synched to songs i should know. drag queens are fascinating. there was a guy walking around in superman underwear, the shot guy. he had a pretty body&pretty eyes&hair&beard like jesus. we blew kisses to new friends&walked out.
i creeped into my room around 2am (early? yes.), washed my face, crawled in bed with my dog&crashed. next time you go clubbing, head to the gay part of town. self-esteem boost is worth it.
in less than fun news, my mother is psycho. she's been cleaning my room. it's mostly laundry. i don't like it. i'd prefer she leave it for me to do on the weekend. she doesn't do it the way i like. but i don't tell her, because when i do she just yells. she likes to yell. then i can't hear her anymore because i turn up the volume of the music in my head&she is drowned out by beethoven's symphony number whatever.
i bought razorblades&big bandaids. that's never a good sign. i'm okay though. i'm going to take a shower now, to scrub the X's off my hands&the perfume out of my hair. i just ate 1/4 of an apple. at hurts. are apple slices known to turn into little swords when they hit your stomach? that would explain this feeling. i'll research it. i'm sure it's logical. why did i post today? i'll go find a reverse photo for you.

i may have used this one before. the girl on the left wants to hang out this weekend. i don't want to. she has to eat loads to keep her weight so high. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. my mother still says "you're too skinny". my friend last night said "you're perfect." fuck my mother.

10:01am

my sister said "it's weird, you're so grown up. you have a job, you drive yourself around, feed yourself-well actually you suck at feeding yourself."
my mother said "you're getting too thin."
my friend said "if you need to wear a coat into the grocery store, you're too skinny."
my friend's mother said "you are real thin&people take notice."
my friend had an acoustic gig in a coffee shop. i went. he dedicated a cover to me&gave me funny little sad looks at "yeah your skin and bones, turn into something beautiful". obviously "yellow" by coldplay. 

anyway, it's been weird lately. i have to eat. for my job i arrive at the home at 7:45am, get the little one ready for school, drive him at 8:45am. then i'm free until i pick him up at 2:30pm & his brother at 2:45pm. the dad usually gets home around 7, at which time they've had a bath&eaten dinner&are ready for bed&snuggled on the couch with a movie. i love being a nanny but since i have these two little guys in my care i am not allowed to be the zombie, in&out of reality, emptydizzyforgetful zette i was. now i've got to be grown up&responsible. but i'm not going to get fat again. that was ridiculous. when i say out loud that at 5'8" an acceptable weight would be 130lbs, ship me off to the loony bin. that said, the people who worry are a bit troubling for me. it's different when a stranger online tells me to take care of myself. but when someone who knows me, sees me often, tells me i'm looking a bit dabbish, it's almost intrusive.

the girl on the left was in my group at a retreat a while back. super skinny. anyway, i've had my 100cals for the day so now i'm having peppermint tea. perfect, it's rainy here. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. the 2year old's preschool teacher has an english accent. she calls him "gorgeous". dearest english people: do you know how fucking adorable your accents are?