11:18am

so...sorry for being honest yesterday. apparently i stepped on some toes. thanks for the long emails. lots of cussing. really appreciate it. i didn't even really mean it in a bad way. yes, i'm sore, dizzy, scared, suspicious, numb, tired, grumpy, cold, etc. but i'm also thinner than i was. since that's all that matters, cheers. okay, a little apology seems to be leaking out of me. i'm sorry if i offended some of you. you know i love you to pieces. a big fat genuine thanks to lydia for understanding when i type in caps "i do not have a motherfucking eating disorder." i don't. i don't have a diseaseilnessdisorder. i learned how to be this way. studiedpracticedobsessed to be this way. the voice in my head is my own.

or:

even in baggy clothes, skinnies look skinny&fatties look fat. choose your category&dress up. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i wasn't kidding about surprise&i having matching nails. 

10:38am

a post in which the boy is not mentioned, except to say that he is no mentioned. my niece just left. she did her piano lesson&we played with the kittens. i guess they're 3 weeks old now. they're not very exciting. mostly just soft&cute. last night i was doing the dishes when my dog barked&ran into the room. so i got her favorite toy&played with her. but she stopped to scratch. damn fleas. so i stopped to give her a bath&brush her teeth&clip&file her nails. fancy. i'll paint my nails today&hers too. blue.
right now i'm in the middle of a late breakfast. blackberry yogurt (60) with oatmeal (50). i'm about halfway through&my stomach is hurting. note to my guts, food shouldn't literally hurt you. when did i get this crazybackwardsfuckedup? i was reading through posts in my old blog. i posted about how the smell of food made me feel sick. then i got followers. followers started commenting&giving me tips. i know it started in my head, but sometimes i have to wonder if it would have gotten this far this fast without help from the cryinghappyhungrysupportive girls online?

or:

cheers for hugs. anyone else hate when a fatty comes at you wanting a hug? i do not want to put my arms around your fat while you dig your fingers into my ribs. it feels super creepy so no thank you. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. stomach stopped hurting. i think coffee is magical.

9:37am

positive zette says: let yourself be happy. your boy thinks you're beautiful&your friends think the same. your family makes jokes about your tiny waist all the time. guys hit on you because you're good looking.
negative zette says: if you let yourself be happy you'll only fall harder when it passes. your boy wants to get you in bed, he'll say anything. your friends are just fatter than you, but not by much. your family jokes about your waist sarcastically. it's huge. guys hit on all girls. they would hit on a cardboard cutout.
so, this little battle in my head means i consider things twice as long. regardless of who is winning at the moment, i'm having yogurt (60) for breakfast. for those of you in the states who might maybe shop at kroger, i like these yogurts. they're forty cents&sixty calories. i like to get 6 every week so i have breakfast already planned for the week. (i try to do a closetofastingaspossible day) i also get sandwich stuff. bread (100) turkey (20) cheese (60) mustard (5) so (185) but i usually eat half. you know me&my rule, never finish a full serving. i haven't even been finishing apples lately. my stomach hurts if i fill it up. i like learning to not eat.

or:

i dunno if you have noticed, but summer is coming up. have you checked your bikini reflection in a mirror lately? i need to work on mine. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i sliced my finger open last night digging around in my bag. it's funny how something doesn't seem stupid until you do it by accident&it fucking hurts.

p.p.s. peridot, this is the pillow pet i have. it's just a stuffed animal with a strap on the bottom that unfastens to make it a pillow.

10:22am

i slept really well. but i'm sore from the workout i did before bed. my legs are mad at me, my arms are mad at me, i have a bruise on my ribs from getting dizzyslippingfalling. worth it? i'm down another pound. it's frustrating, watching one pound go at a time. but then again, maybe it's better than losing 4 pounds&then losing nothing for a while. i like to see progress. okay, deal. i'll stop complaining about that. losing is losing&losing is great. i just took the silver polish off my nails. i'll repaint them blue.
also i might be going to counseling soonish. i promised to go three times. R said this is because i will probably sit there in silence the first two times. probably true. also my pillow pet smells suspiciously like cologne. so the boy is smart. it makes me miss him a little bit. but i will have to teach him that there are things to do besides get in the car, spend $10ish on a movie, &go home. this summer we have to go to the marina&feed the ducks. &have a picnic at the park. &sit in on rehearsals of silly productions at the community playhouse. i'll teach him. &i'll be a goodsweetskinny girlfriend. skinny for me. once i mentioned i wanted to lose weight&R said "boys like a curvy girl." so? i don't like myself curvy. isn't it more important what i think?

or:

boys might see the blonde. i see the brunette. make your body what you want it to be, not what sexheads want it to be (unless your wants are the same). stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. coffee with 1/4 cup vanilla almond milk (10). breakfast.

p.p.s. don't take slutty photos&post them on facebook in an album labeled 'modeling'. a lot of girls are doing that lately.

9:30am

put soup on to heat up because i'm fucking hungry. just got home from seeing 'rio' in 3d with the boy&two other friends. they dropped me off at home&he kissed me&i ran off. don't touch me when i'm sober. whatever. this whole dating thing is new to me&i don't like it most of the time. but he does send me texts like "You're beautiful. Right now. No matter what you say. :)" so i can forgive the fact that, as a normal human, he's touchy-feely. i'm just not. maybe i'll learn to be? oh, forgiveness also comes in the form of a pillow pet. a hippo, because he's a smarty&knows my favorite color is purple. goddamn, enough about boy. i'm a fatty. no, i haven't gained. i just feel fat. i prolly shouldn't eat that soup.

or:

the skinny isn't that skinny, i guess. but i think she's thinner than i am. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. this is what i wore today. i still hate wearing shorts. thus the leggings. mm, my favorite boots.

8:44am

still bummed out over nothing. it's not the don'twannatalkaboutit sort of nothing. it's just...there's nothing going on. why am i so sad? i canceled on the boy. went to my friend's house instead because she is 5'1"&hilarious&very very loving. i called another friends last night. conversation got around to eating&she started telling me that i shouldn't skip days of eating. that because i didn't eat yesterday that if i ate something small it would immediately turn to fat. (obviously, that didn't make me want to eat. obviously it had the opposite effect.) i wanted to get pissed off at her&explain that i'd done plenty of research, that i know how to starve myself properly. but i was feeling dizzy. so i sank down to the floor&sat with my head on my knees&told her "okay." strong? no. fat. i'm fat. fat fat fat. i don't want to be fat. i want to be small.

or:

i don't appreciate jumping photos. some people do. i just don't. anyway, skinny in the short sleeves, chubster in red. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i promise not to cut myself today. not my feet, chest, fingertips, or the back of my neck. pinky promise.

2:02pm

incredibly sad today. i don't know why. i'm cold&grumpy&can't get the justabouttocry feeling to go away. it should be a good day. saw a couple buddies this morning, boy is picking me up to go out after he gets off work, probably seeing more friends tonight.really fun, amazing, sweet people. but what do i want to do? slice open the bottom of my feet&go running. something in my head isn't working properly. nothing is wrong. i'm fine. circumstantially, everything is supposed to be looking up. i lost a pound, stocked up on coffee, &saved a baby bird this weekend. so why am i so down? i don't cry anymore. i use razorblades to cry for me. i'm not trying to sound poetic or emo. that's what i do. my coping skills suck. fuck you, universe.

or:

don't get fat. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette