10:42am

hm. update. well, i don't want to eat. i do. but i don't want to. losing weight which makes me happy until i step off the scale. then i wish i'd lost more. i look down&run my fingers along my bones, then look in the mirror&all i see is inches of fat stuck to my frame. i'm confused. i'm so ready to let this mindset take over&kill me slowly. that anonymous comment threw me off. they don't usually upset me but that one hurt. thanks for your sweet comment, posie. oh, judith, my cat scratched me. then when it started to heal, i opened it back up with a razorblade. then i opened it one more time, which is why it scarred so badly.
my mother keeps telling me that i'm too skinny. that i need to take care of myself. it just makes me mad because the only time she ever shows concern is when someone tells her to. she forgot i existed until i was 12 when my youth pastor said, "hey, we think your daughter is suicidal." so instead of writing it off as parental worries, i can't help but wonder who the motherfucking hell told my mother i'm not eating. she never would have noticed on her own.
my father messaged me on facebook this morning. "I love you. Can we try to get to know each other on facebook?" i didn't reply. i'm not going to. to the people who think "he's your father, he deserves a chance." go fuck yourself. do you make friends with people who think it's alright to beat the shit out of children? of course not. the fact that i am brought to you by this sperm donor validates nothing. he never apologized, never cared, is still in&out of jail for refusing to pay child support. so no, daddy, we cannot get to know each other on facebook. i'm still afraid of you.

sorry about the complaining. just frustrated&hurting.

if i were that skinny i might be alright with being tall. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. birthday party tonight. hours of fake smiles&pretending to eat. hmph.