Friday, June 24, 2011

4:43pm

i'm obsessed. no, focused. sat at starbucks for an hour&a half. listening to good music, drinking iced tea, reading 'wasted'. i was okay. til i saw a skinny girl. a very skinny girl. suddenly my shorts seemed tight, the space between my stomach&my shirt closed up with fat. my arm jiggled when i tapped my ipod to play another song. my fingers grew into stubby things with less coordination than fingers ought to have. i felt myself grow. i took a breath. switched to a quiet song. turned the volume up. checked my ribs. counted. calmed down. this happens often.
my neck is still sore from sleeping on it wrong on tuesday night. i can't really turn my head to the right or look down. went running this morning. it hurt. took ibuprofen&cut my foot open as a reminder of the extra mile i should have gone. would have gone, if i didn't insist on being such a sissy. but i'm working on it. oh brother. this book has got my thoughts all tangled up&tragic. i feel about as weightless as a boulder. click, click, click goes the nail gun. neighbor across the road is still working on his roof. scarysafesound.


or:
what do you look like in your bikini? stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo
zette
p.s. going grocery shopping with my mother this evening. nervousexcitedthinking.
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6 comments:

  1. kesFriday, June 24, 2011 4:15:00 PM

    I hate when I think I look pretty good weight-wise and then I see someone sooo much skinnier. Then I feel like a fat whale and I just want to go hide in a corner and do sit ups until my body breaks in half. And I wish I could wear a bikini but I have too many stretch marks to ever feel comfortable in one. Even if I did manage to get a flat/concave tummy.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousSaturday, June 25, 2011 12:52:00 AM

    I get like that too when I see someone skinny :/ hate it! And it's always just A's I'm starting to feel okay about myself too :/ other than that it sounds like you had a great day :)
    Sorry you cut your foot :/ not the best start to the day, but you can make the rest of the day better :)
    I wouldn't know what I look like in a bikini, because I haven't tried one on in over a year :/ I don't dare, because I can't stand any sort of podge on my tummy.
    Lottie x

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  3. Peridot (G+P)Saturday, June 25, 2011 1:37:00 AM

    JEEBUS. I'd kill myself rather than be skinnyfat and have to lean back to make my puku look good in a bikini.

    Assuming, of course, that I'd lose my marbles enough to be caught wearing one!

    Love you <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. KimSaturday, June 25, 2011 4:19:00 AM

    Don't let this book mess with your head, doubts and fears shouldn't control you, you need to control them! Be strong and safe!

    -Kim

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  5. DaniSaturday, June 25, 2011 4:56:00 AM

    that book meses with my head as well but i still read it over and over

    ReplyDelete
  6. Rachael is brokenMonday, June 27, 2011 5:13:00 PM

    Wasted is the reason a lot of girl who are just dieting cross over to the other side. Purely a sinister book but lovely and wonderful in every aspect. <3 hang in there stay strong

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