10:49am

two energy drinks (40) is what it took to get my room cleaned. well, started. i picked up everything, swept, mopping today. i've got my laundry piled into one big mountain. got up at 7 this morning to start the cycle. wash, dry, hang up. stayed up for almost an hour with my hula hoop last night. went to bed with a sore stomach&a rusty taste in my mouth even after brushing my teeth. greek yogurt for breakfast (100), about to make coffee with almond milk (10). i haven't weighed in. i don't want to. i can't win anymore. lose lose lose. even when losing is good, it makes me feel good in my head, my body is mad at me. my cat scratched my arm last night. i made a little scene of it. showed my mother&talked about how my cat is so skittish now. then i took a razorblade to it to make it stay longer. i'm a fuckup. i'm dizzy. did my crunches this morning. almost. i didn't finish. i got to 230&stayed on the floor for ten minutes or so telling myself to movegetupcontinue. i don't think i'm driving myself crazy. more like surrendering to the existing craziness.

still reading 'wasted'. this book is bringing back details i'd decided to forget. like being in ballet as a kid. tallest in my class. side chasse, pas-de-chat,  pirouette, plie (ignore spelling errors, please) across the studio. i kept screwing up. another girl told the teacher it was because i was too big. another time i was at my friend A's lakehouse with a few people. my other friend M was also there. since i was still going by my first name, we had the same name. she was shorter, skinnier, a little younger. so A called her little M. i was big M. there are more. i hate them. i hate being bigger.
i think it's interesting that on one post i can get different comments&emails about it. some people want me to stop this bullshit. some people wish they could be more like me. confusedhungrysecretive girls online. this book is okay. i don't like being able to relate to someone so much who has the label i keep running away from. i wonder, if i went to counseling, if they would dismiss all this as a phase or if they would worry more. not quite curious enough to find out. they would probably want me to eat more. to ease up on the rules. i spent thursday with friends. i had a fuze (10) &an odwalla bar (200). then we went to chili's for lunch. all we got was chips&queso. 12 chips. 6 stayed in the napkin in my lap. 6 sat in my stomach&beat the shit out of it, or so it felt like. no queso, just salsa. lemon water made me feel cold. fidgetedwiggledtapped in the car, nervous about calories.

my stomach hurts again. half a serving of yogurt did not make it happy for long. cheers for coffee though. skipping lunch, hopefully skipping dinner. i don't want to eat. eating is silly. it takes too long. eating an entire sliced apple takes me over an hour. slowspecificobsessive apple habits. this scratch/cut on my arm is hurting. it's fine. i'm fine. always fine.

or:

2 boys, skinny girl, average girl, 2 more boys. i like this photo. if there's a silhouette photo taken of me, there better be light between my thighs. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. anyone else sort of fill up on the smell of food? i put a cranberry muffin scentsy in my room&my appetite ran away.