2:39pm

not going to bother updating you on much. same old, mostly. quitting my nanny job, though. it's wearing me out completely. i keep getting sick. so i'm moving to california for the summer to work with my sister&get a tan. creeping on your blogs as i've the day off today. a few of you couldn't have missed me since we still email back&forth but goodness, i've missed you guys. just needed a different headspace.

xoxo
zette

8:29am

my whole world is a little disheveled. my weight is around the same. it goes about four pounds below what it is now, then i get it back up again. it's frustrating, maintaining. but i don't want to have to see my doctor again. or, if i got to my goal, my therapist would talk nonstop inpatient facilities which never fails to freak me out. so it's best to maintain. i keep telling myself that.
all i do outside of work is work out, write, sketch, read, walk my dog, play guitar, &see a couple of friends. i'm still on holiday from work. i don't go back until wednesday. i miss the kids but i know i needed the break. i'm sorry i haven't commented on any of your blogs in so long. every time i read through them i want to clean out my kitchen&fast until i pass out. especially those with photos. you're all really beautiful. the only bones i can see right now are collarbones, ribs, hips, &sternum really. so i try to avoid the mirror. i'm in a weird headspace so i'll leave off here.

xoxo
zette
p.s. is it bad to steal the neighbor's dog when they leave him in inclement weather, then return him when it's warm? they weren't home, they didn't notice.

10:22am

oy. i email&text you guys&forget my blog exists. sorry. was sick wednesday night, woke up still sick thursday morning. temperature was 99.7 all day. barely a fever so i just stayed at work but my boss noticed i was out of it&gave me friday off. cheers for a nice boss. friday evening i went to my best friend's house. her parents were out of town so we sat outside, made a fire in the chiminea, &smoked hookah for two hours. we stayed up until 2am watching epic rap battles of history&jenna marbles videos. we're super cool. we also do things like going bowling. (my old best buddy works at the alley, she's pro ana. it weirds me out. so we don't go often.) my ugly ass bowling shoes on the right, best friend's on the left. (she's over 200lbs, annoyed by it, but won't do anything about it.)

lately i've been staying at around 1000 calories a day. i work out every evening&i'm maintaining a healthy weight. if i maintain, i don't have to see my doctor or a nutritionist. but holy fuck, staying this big is mentally the hardest thing ever. i weigh in 15 times a day&feel sick when i eat. i don't know if that's my body or if i psych myself out. i purge a lot of it, especially if i hadn't planned something. i don't want to disappoint everyone but i can't just give this up without ever getting thin. lowest weight i saw on the scale (i think i lost more, but i quit weighing in) was 118. 118 for 5'8" isn't that small. torn between behaving myself (while always thinking "fat fat fat fat fat girl") or getting down to 110, then 100. what a stupid decision to be upset over. feel free to weigh in. truly. oh, no pun intended.

my sister is coming in this evening so i really ought to be cleaning. i already stalled by taking surprise to the dog park earlier. off to do lots of laundry.

the small girl is my age. better at everything, prettier, thinner, etc. ugh. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo
zette
p.s. favorite zero calorie energy drink? going with monster absolutely zero today. zero cal red bull doesn't wake me up. 

11:08am

i wish i hadn't filled up my weekend with plans. i'm waiting for my jeans to dry (having size 0 skinnies makes it easier to wait, i swear) so i can run errands so i thought i'd scribble something. okay, so therapy. it's frustrating&awkward. i don't know therapy etiquette. pinkies up, we're talking about feelings. i joke. but i do take it seriously for the hour or two that i'm tracing lines on a red pillow while i get asked questions about my inner child. i'm a thinker. not a talker. so basically there is a lot of silence, then a short answer that i actually thought out. she says i'm making progress. i don't really know. my mind goes blank every time i walk in. then suddenly we're swapping my journals&i'm walking out to sit on the curb by my car&smoke. dryer buzzed so i'm going to get some things done. i lost a lot of numbers when i got a new phone a while back so pretty please email me your number&blog so i can text you. i miss having a whole "bones" section in my phone. ilovezette@yahoo.com

people on facebook will tell you that boys would pick the one on the left. but if you're like me, you hate your body too much to consider boys. so just be skinny. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. hair is falling out:( suggestions?

9:55pm

hold on tight. it might be a long one. strep is gone. is it bad that i didn't even notice it? i purge so often these days i'm sort of used to a sore throat. ear infections still bugging me though. especially at work around the screaming baby. but i still love my job.

anyway, last monday after my session with my lovely counselor i hopped in my car&cut my fingertips open. took forever cleaning up. by that time my counselor was leaving (we're the last ones in the building because she stays late for me), too, so she pulled up beside my car to check on me. ladies, don't let anyone on your outpatient team catch you with blood running down your arms. the sad part? this has happened before. twice. i should fuckin know better. so then the next morning she leaves a voicemail letting me know there's an envelope at the front desk for me. so i pick it up the next day. inside is a note saying i should have a friend pick me up from therapy for the next six weeks. also a client safety contract. obviously i was torn between laughing&punching someone in the face. 

it's a fucking joke. basically no cutting, restricting for over 12 hours, purging by exercise, diet or water pills, etc. told you it was funny. i'm pretty positive that if i didn't sign it she'd have handed me off to another therapist. so i signed it, made a copy, &dropped it off at the office this morning. at the bottom though i fixed it. so with my edit it said "by signing i agree (enough) to (try) the terms stated above." 

i'm rambling now&will probably not say anything useful so feel free to check out now. anyone else think therapy is awkward? i guess i don't know therapy etiquette. rules. whatever. so i tiptoe around everything. i'm nervous though. because people only put up with me for a certain amount of time before they give up. you probably know this because you've probably experienced someone losing faith in you not long after insisting they never will. stupid humans acting human.hold on, calico just jumped in my window&is in my lap wanting to be cuddled. okay, back. so much cat hair. right, humans. humans are the worst of creatures. entertaining though. especially over here in the usa after that debate. our president pulled a bush by shooting for a pass instead of a win. oops. to be fair, though, romney is campaigning full time so he threw everything at that debate. obama is sort of busy being potus. enough on that. probably too much on that.

since i'm sure you're very concerned about my curls, i've got to inform you they're thinning. my hair is falling out at a messy pace. i run my fingers through my hair in the morning to prevent shedding at work&toss a big clump away every time. abdominal pain is a constant thing again. but it's nice to be watching my weight go down again, too. i'm at a technically healthy weight right now. i get told a lot (once or twice a week by strangers) that i look like a ballerina. i don't know what they mean, but i'm alright with that. i bought xenadrine at el walmarto. the cashier asked if it worked. i shrugged. she asked if it was an impulse buy. i told her i'd been taking it for around a year. when i stepped around to get my bags she told me i didn't need it&that i was so small already. so basically i hate that they have to check your ID to let you buy it because apparently it's a conversation starter.

eyes are watery from yawning. i suppose i ought to jump in bed. i bought a new blanket because of the chilly weather. in other words, i take longer getting out of bed&i wear it as a cape around in the mornings. part of the super exciting safety contract mentions three meals a day along with two healthy snacks. i'm wondering if she'll laugh when i ask what constitutes a meal. fuck.

to look skinny sitting on a small place in shorts. that's a goal.

xoxo

zette

p.s. bought stevia today because i'm getting tired of black coffee.

6:37pm

oops. so the post monday night didn't end up happening. monday morning my boss sent me to the minute clinic to get checked out for a prescription so i could get over whatever was going on with me. so an hour&a half later i call my boss to let her know i had strep throat&infections in both ears. had to leave work&cancel therapy. stocked up on movies, powerade, &perrier to last me until today when i went back to work. fucking hate being sick. my ears feel so weird. anyway..

the rockers invited me over for dinner. i ate almost all my food like a good little girl. even dessert. here's my little dilemma. my old best friend is nuts about myfitnesspal&all her friends on it. she counts calories like crazy, spends time stretching in the mirror to count her ribs, throws food away, threw my food away for me, etc. so i have two options: 1) be responsible, let her parents know i'm concerned, &avoid them. 2) get close to her again&get hella skinny together (lia&cassie much?). fuck. guys i really don't want to be responsible. it's SO tempting to drag her down with me. oh cute. i'm mental. bad zette.

i think i'm going in circles in therapy. she mostly wants to do inner child work which drives me crazy. my childhood was a scary beast&i'd like to stop revisiting it. on the bright side she pretty much gave me a free pass to lose weight which i'm taking advantage of. slowly. only 2lbs a week or so. but still.

still going to the gym all the time. i love it. last week, when i was a different sort of sick, i walked in with a thermometer in my mouth to make sure my fever had broken so i could work out. that was miserable. but worth it. also threw up. with my hands behind my back. hate hate hate throwing up when it's not deliberate. it's so different from purging. sort of makes me think though. as in why do i do that to myself so often? it's not very ladylike at all.

i know i've more to tell you chickadees but it's nearly 7 so i'm off to the gym. love love love you.

halloween is coming up soon. i'm coordinating costumes with my friends so i've got to be the smallest.

xoxo
zette
p.s. excuse any typos. you know i never check over these things.

8:57pm

fuck. tons to say&no time to say it. i'l post tomorrow night after therapy if i can. just checking in because six of you motherfuckers have checked up on me lately&it's a bit rude to leave you hanging. thanks for not forgetting me.

yes, forever comparing people.

xoxo

zette

p.s. people = food = eating = purging = dizziness = falling = bruised. people are bruising me.