10:22am

oy. i email&text you guys&forget my blog exists. sorry. was sick wednesday night, woke up still sick thursday morning. temperature was 99.7 all day. barely a fever so i just stayed at work but my boss noticed i was out of it&gave me friday off. cheers for a nice boss. friday evening i went to my best friend's house. her parents were out of town so we sat outside, made a fire in the chiminea, &smoked hookah for two hours. we stayed up until 2am watching epic rap battles of history&jenna marbles videos. we're super cool. we also do things like going bowling. (my old best buddy works at the alley, she's pro ana. it weirds me out. so we don't go often.) my ugly ass bowling shoes on the right, best friend's on the left. (she's over 200lbs, annoyed by it, but won't do anything about it.)

lately i've been staying at around 1000 calories a day. i work out every evening&i'm maintaining a healthy weight. if i maintain, i don't have to see my doctor or a nutritionist. but holy fuck, staying this big is mentally the hardest thing ever. i weigh in 15 times a day&feel sick when i eat. i don't know if that's my body or if i psych myself out. i purge a lot of it, especially if i hadn't planned something. i don't want to disappoint everyone but i can't just give this up without ever getting thin. lowest weight i saw on the scale (i think i lost more, but i quit weighing in) was 118. 118 for 5'8" isn't that small. torn between behaving myself (while always thinking "fat fat fat fat fat girl") or getting down to 110, then 100. what a stupid decision to be upset over. feel free to weigh in. truly. oh, no pun intended.

my sister is coming in this evening so i really ought to be cleaning. i already stalled by taking surprise to the dog park earlier. off to do lots of laundry.

the small girl is my age. better at everything, prettier, thinner, etc. ugh. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo
zette
p.s. favorite zero calorie energy drink? going with monster absolutely zero today. zero cal red bull doesn't wake me up.