10:24am

dear people of the universe, try to stick to a plan for two weeks-a month before giving up on it because it "didn't work". try not to get frustrated when you don't see results right away. remember that exercise is important. if your body is pissed at you for starving it, add 100cals to your daily intake&add a half hour of exercise. the basis of my insanity is simply not eating. but whether i eat or not, i will go nuts (not really, they're too high-calorie) if i can't exercise. what a fun little rant. sorry.
was supposed to go to the doctor to get an x-ray today. but my mother doesn't want to take me. so i'll just cross my fingers&hope it heals perfectly all on it's own. it probably will. i just really like to run&it would make me feel better for a doctor to say "you're a big baby, it's just sprained. RICE for another week&it'll be fine." hmph.
my friend just left. we saw transformers yesterday. then we played scrabble with her boyfriend. she beat me by 30 points, i beat him by 50. whatevs. my mother made breakfast for us. egg burrito&turkey bacon. i had half a piece of bacon&about one egg, plus  a cup of coffee. so i said goodbye to her, locked the door, put my hair in a ponytail&shoved my finger down my throat. because that's what good little girls do so they don't get fatter.

or:

thin vs. average/chubby. i'm plan on being thin. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. why do fat people talk about why they shouldn't eat something....then eat it? "i really shouldn't have this popcorn. it's so bad. so fattening." then they get extra butter&stuff their face. gross.

10:07am

yesterday i went swimming with my niece for over an hour. then her parents went to some comedy thing so we watched a movie&then she went to bed. i sat at the kitchen table reading a ted dekker book&then my brother-in-law drove me home. then i cooked some taquitos for dinner, didn't eat them. surprise loved them. then i went to bed&texted my friend that of course she could come visit anytime. so she said "okay, how about tomorrow?" great. so i'm doing laundry as fast as i can before it gets up to the high of 108 today. can it be winter now? that would be great. tired of wearing tank tops&short shorts.

or:

i'll never understand cosplay stuff. but what i do understand is that the girl on the left&the girl on the right are very different sizes. yikes. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. not eating today. not even with my friend. i'll fake eat&say i'm on my period.

9:25am

the high is 105 today. better than monday, which was 108. if you haven't been in this sort of weather before, you won't understand that. really after 102 it all feels the same. you walk outside, your makeup drips off your face, your hair does weird things, everything is hot. but no worries. summer always ends eventually. then we forget how motherfucking miserable it was just in time for it to come around again, since it lasts from about late april to mid-september. sometimes it's still warm on halloween. jesus. this state sucks. moving north asap.

some things i've noticed:

1. watching pretty little liars on hulu. spencer has smaller legs than i do, i think.
2. fat people tend to say something like "i'll just taste it" then eat a whole serving before they even have their 'meal'.
3. i'm not flirty, but i am witty&a little rude, which is apparently the same thing as being flirty to guys. don't accuse me of leading someone on just because they're stupid.
4. i'm almost over my fear of tarantulas since we killed so many.
5. i dislike being touched even more than i thought i did. please don't put your hand on my back when i'm walking on crutches. it freaks me out&throws me off balance.

6. i say awful things, but i don't do awful things. i will say "i hope you die in your sleep" but i will not spread a nasty rumor about you.
7. using sun-in for my hair is fun. my hair is not orange or dried out, by the way. it's just lighter.
8. people take their kids to movies they shouldn't be taken to. i saw three moms with their young (12-14year old) sons coming into the movie "bad teacher". what made you think your son should see fake tits on a big screen?
8. people should take better care of their feet. clip your toenails, exfoliate, &use lotion. those suckers have to carry your fat ass around all day.

9. i am going out of my way to make myself appear healthy&happy. between sweet body spray, a tan, &carefullyobsessivelyconstantly applied makeup, i look pretty normal, even on my tiredshittyfaint days. fake fake fake. it's a fun game to play.

10. i guess i slept weird because my ankle hurts today. not really bad, just constant&consistent. i can't wait for it to heal up. i want to go running soooo badly. floor exercises aren't doing it for me.

a certain someone emailed me the question "is it better to hang out with a thin person for thinspo or an overweight person for reverse?" personally, any human contact is great. i'm kidding. sort of. really though, it depends on howeverthefuck you react. a lot of people like having a friend who is bigger than they are. i'll give you a personal example. N went to a junior college. her roommate ended up being a girl named S. S is about 50lbs heavier than N, which made N feel skinny. ended up being a bad thing because N considered S fat instead of being overweight in general, fat. so she gained weight, thinking of herself as being "thinner than S". so when i stayed at N's parents house with her for a few days, she suddenly realized that she had gained weight because she's 9 sizes above me in juniors. since i love exercise, we spent those days riding bikes in her neighborhood up&down all the hills, going on walks, &swimming. i even got her to buy a hula hoop for when she's watching tv. anyway, pick your friends the way anyone picks friends: a person you get along with, who doesn't treat you like shit or bring you down when you're supposed to be having fun. that's my advice, shitty as it is. whatever. i don't know. why do you guys come to me for advice anyway? silly girls.

or:

least flattering dress of all time? nah, it's just her gross stomach. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. my complexion is improving. cheers for clean&clear. 

9:16am

hey, i'm alive. my sister was in town for the week. she left last night. sprained my ankle a few days ago, can't do many of my workouts because if i put weight on it then my eyes water (i do not cry). really fucking frustrating. plus it looks like a tumor on the side of my ankle&even my toes are swollen. i'm realizing how self-reliant i am though. really, incredibly stubborn. i'd rather hop to the kitchen to carry something back to my room (or bring a bag&use my crutches) than to ask my mother to get it.
my sister was the best about it. she bought me a wrap/bandage, ice pack, tons of powerade, &she even went to the thrift store in my town&bought a pair of crutches for $5. best sister ever. i miss her already.
what i don't miss is "let's go to sonic&get breakfast burritos" or "you haven't been to freebirds? we have to go today." or "how many taquitos do you want?" it was hard to hide food around her&even harder to purge with a sprained ankle (ouch? not taking that for granted again). but i didn't gain which is good i guess. that's all that's new, i think. i got my license but it doesn't really matter until i get a job. just being a teenager. i want some hot sunnies to wear when i'm skinny. or sunglasses, if you don't call them sunnies.

or:

if you look like you eat everything you see, you might want to keep your tongue contained when it's time to take photos. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. fucking love orange tic tacs.

9:12am

woke up to my mother playing piano. went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. stared at the legs sticking out of my shorts. they didn't look like mine. they were tan&almost small. then i saw the scars on them. the legs instantly grew a few inches wider. like magic. by magic i mean insanity. so i'm drinking peppermint tea&contmeplating, what the fuck do i look like?? do you know what you look like?

or:

girl in white is skinny, the girl in the black is not so skinny. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. tired today. my big tea mug feels like it weighs a ton.

also, since i lost my phone, i don't have any of your numbers. pretty please text me so we can chat.

4:07pm

watched nature documentaries while hula hooping. listened to paramore while doing crunches. listened to maria mena&some classical music while cleaning the house. cut open a watermelon. (100) of watermelon plus almond milk (30) in my coffee. dinner will be replaced with a cup of peppermint tea. painted my nails. a white stripe down the middle of each, then a lightpinkpearly coat over that.

or:

fat thighswaistarms or slender everything? stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. my cat keeps bringing in cicadas.

9:10am

woke up at 7:43. had my alarm set for 7:45. i like waking up before my alarm. waking up to a noise meant to barge into your dreams&wake up your mind&muscles is just not fun. stretched, made coffee, mowed the lawn, drank coffee. super productive.
i pointed out to a certain concerned person that the only reason my twisted outlook on weighteatingstarving is bad is that it could hurt my body. my body is still mostly healthy. cutting is dangerous? it can be, if you want it to be. you can let open cuts get infected. you can bleed out. or worse, you can make it obvious that someone who looks up to you sees it&tries it. honestly, i'd feel bad if i led someone to cutting. if nobody had brought it up&talked about why people do it (in other words, only talked about the positive details) i prolly wouldn't have taken the razor out of the bathroom&made little red lines on my arm when i was 12 years old. cutting is stupid. for those of you not determined to destroy yourself, i salute you. sorry, that was long.
going to the farmers market soon. about a 5 minute walk from my house. cheers for fresh fruits&veggies. parade on this side of town, too. it passes on the other part of the street i live on so more cheers, for people not standing around in front of my house this year. time for pretty photos.

or:

so, who looks better in leggings? stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i've taken to putting cinnamon in my coffee. i love cinnamon.