okay, bitching aside, i did go to that counseling appointment. R went in with me, which i love her for. counselor first impression: smallish, 5'5", warm, blue eyes. she asked questions. half of them i ignored&R answered because i'd given her permission to. she asked if i "eat a lot in a short amount of time&then suddenly feel the need to get rid of it." umm, do i binge&purge? no. i was in a bad mood, apparently. i was mad at myself for being so nervous. my arms&legs were shaking, i couldn't make them still. i was on day 3 of my fast that morning. she looked warily at R&said something like "i'm told you might have some issues with food. is that true?" i shouldn't have answered it. i don't know why "i mean i know food shouldn't freak me out as much as it does but there's no problem" fell out of my mouth. she asked if only certain foods freaked me out, if there were particular ones. i said all foods except for a few safe foods. "what is one of your safe foods?" "apples." "red or green?" "neither, the pink&yellow ones." she scribbled in her notebook. the session mostly went on like that. i let a few comments pass my lips. "you're weird" "this is bullshit, i don't need this" "your picture of jesus is super creepy" etc. i wasn't sarcastic, i was downright rude to the lady. the funny thing? i actually liked her, &R is going to check prices&appointment openings for me.
i'm not sure why i'm suddenly okay with the idea of going to counseling. maybe because it's just me&her in a room¬hing i say leaves that room. maybe because as much as i hate to admit that there might be something wrong with me, there's a monster in my head that won't let me eat&i'd sort of like to unravel this monster. also, i can quit whenever i want. not that i'm a control freak who needs to know she's not being forced or anything....
i wanna be as small as the girl on the left. stay strong today, lovelies.
xoxo
zette
p.s. anyone use that arnica/arnicare stuff for bruises? if it works i need to buy some. mystery bruises keep appearing.
p.p.s. i put fake information for the emergency contact in the counseling intake form. also, the "life functioning" part (have you ever self-harmed, etc) said i could omit whatever i wanted, so i skipped the whole thing. i'm going to fill that out&bring it in with me next time as an apology.
p.p.s. i put fake information for the emergency contact in the counseling intake form. also, the "life functioning" part (have you ever self-harmed, etc) said i could omit whatever i wanted, so i skipped the whole thing. i'm going to fill that out&bring it in with me next time as an apology.
THANK YOU FOR THIS POST.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, yes, we are all goddamn hypocrites and need to be reminded of it. I'm as guilty as anyone else here. But I have *never,* and I'm proud of this, encouraged anyone in this behaviour (I'm hypocritical to myself) and I was genuinely worried about you. So I'm proud of you and hopeful for you and all that jazz. But mostly, thank you for pointing out the hypocrisy. Because it's so true.
Arnica works incredibly well! BUT only in the few hours after you've gotten the bruise. My "mystery" bruises are usually only found days later, but that may not be the case for you. Check up on your iron, you might be anemic.
ReplyDeleteYou are right about us being hypocrittes :/ it's easy to get caught up in this stuff and congradate people on "doing well" purely because you are so happy that they are feeling good, which is wrong.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are feeling more comfortable with seeing this counsiler and I hope it goes well and is helpful for you :)
Lottie x
You are 100% correct about those hypocrites emailing you. So fucking dumb, they should be slapped. I'm glad you are opening up about counseling, that is, if YOU want it. Not someone else. Kudos and good luck beauty.
ReplyDeleteThe bruises - that's from fasting and lack of nutrients. Totally sucks. I hope that cream works for you, I have never used it.
*hugs and TONS OF LOVE*
I wouldn't even tell anyone to 'fuck off' here. I can say that I have never encouraged you in fasting, I was just happy if you had a good day and lost a little weight. But just as happy as I was these days, I am concerned now. And even though you might not like it, I still am. I only want the best for you. And I am glad you like the counsellor and might be going again. I bet it really helps.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are not offended by my words.
the first few times i went to counselling i was super quiet with just one word answers for awhile. Eventually would talk and talk for the whole hour of my appointment and it got to the point that she stopped writing things down on her notebook. Everytime id leave counselling id feel a huge weight lifting off of me. Im glad your going because i think it will make yyou feel better :) stay as strong as i know you are lovely.
ReplyDeletewww.strengthisbeauty13.blogspot.com