11:08am

i wish i hadn't filled up my weekend with plans. i'm waiting for my jeans to dry (having size 0 skinnies makes it easier to wait, i swear) so i can run errands so i thought i'd scribble something. okay, so therapy. it's frustrating&awkward. i don't know therapy etiquette. pinkies up, we're talking about feelings. i joke. but i do take it seriously for the hour or two that i'm tracing lines on a red pillow while i get asked questions about my inner child. i'm a thinker. not a talker. so basically there is a lot of silence, then a short answer that i actually thought out. she says i'm making progress. i don't really know. my mind goes blank every time i walk in. then suddenly we're swapping my journals&i'm walking out to sit on the curb by my car&smoke. dryer buzzed so i'm going to get some things done. i lost a lot of numbers when i got a new phone a while back so pretty please email me your number&blog so i can text you. i miss having a whole "bones" section in my phone. ilovezette@yahoo.com

people on facebook will tell you that boys would pick the one on the left. but if you're like me, you hate your body too much to consider boys. so just be skinny. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. hair is falling out:( suggestions?

9:55pm

hold on tight. it might be a long one. strep is gone. is it bad that i didn't even notice it? i purge so often these days i'm sort of used to a sore throat. ear infections still bugging me though. especially at work around the screaming baby. but i still love my job.

anyway, last monday after my session with my lovely counselor i hopped in my car&cut my fingertips open. took forever cleaning up. by that time my counselor was leaving (we're the last ones in the building because she stays late for me), too, so she pulled up beside my car to check on me. ladies, don't let anyone on your outpatient team catch you with blood running down your arms. the sad part? this has happened before. twice. i should fuckin know better. so then the next morning she leaves a voicemail letting me know there's an envelope at the front desk for me. so i pick it up the next day. inside is a note saying i should have a friend pick me up from therapy for the next six weeks. also a client safety contract. obviously i was torn between laughing&punching someone in the face. 

it's a fucking joke. basically no cutting, restricting for over 12 hours, purging by exercise, diet or water pills, etc. told you it was funny. i'm pretty positive that if i didn't sign it she'd have handed me off to another therapist. so i signed it, made a copy, &dropped it off at the office this morning. at the bottom though i fixed it. so with my edit it said "by signing i agree (enough) to (try) the terms stated above." 

i'm rambling now&will probably not say anything useful so feel free to check out now. anyone else think therapy is awkward? i guess i don't know therapy etiquette. rules. whatever. so i tiptoe around everything. i'm nervous though. because people only put up with me for a certain amount of time before they give up. you probably know this because you've probably experienced someone losing faith in you not long after insisting they never will. stupid humans acting human.hold on, calico just jumped in my window&is in my lap wanting to be cuddled. okay, back. so much cat hair. right, humans. humans are the worst of creatures. entertaining though. especially over here in the usa after that debate. our president pulled a bush by shooting for a pass instead of a win. oops. to be fair, though, romney is campaigning full time so he threw everything at that debate. obama is sort of busy being potus. enough on that. probably too much on that.

since i'm sure you're very concerned about my curls, i've got to inform you they're thinning. my hair is falling out at a messy pace. i run my fingers through my hair in the morning to prevent shedding at work&toss a big clump away every time. abdominal pain is a constant thing again. but it's nice to be watching my weight go down again, too. i'm at a technically healthy weight right now. i get told a lot (once or twice a week by strangers) that i look like a ballerina. i don't know what they mean, but i'm alright with that. i bought xenadrine at el walmarto. the cashier asked if it worked. i shrugged. she asked if it was an impulse buy. i told her i'd been taking it for around a year. when i stepped around to get my bags she told me i didn't need it&that i was so small already. so basically i hate that they have to check your ID to let you buy it because apparently it's a conversation starter.

eyes are watery from yawning. i suppose i ought to jump in bed. i bought a new blanket because of the chilly weather. in other words, i take longer getting out of bed&i wear it as a cape around in the mornings. part of the super exciting safety contract mentions three meals a day along with two healthy snacks. i'm wondering if she'll laugh when i ask what constitutes a meal. fuck.

to look skinny sitting on a small place in shorts. that's a goal.

xoxo

zette

p.s. bought stevia today because i'm getting tired of black coffee.

6:37pm

oops. so the post monday night didn't end up happening. monday morning my boss sent me to the minute clinic to get checked out for a prescription so i could get over whatever was going on with me. so an hour&a half later i call my boss to let her know i had strep throat&infections in both ears. had to leave work&cancel therapy. stocked up on movies, powerade, &perrier to last me until today when i went back to work. fucking hate being sick. my ears feel so weird. anyway..

the rockers invited me over for dinner. i ate almost all my food like a good little girl. even dessert. here's my little dilemma. my old best friend is nuts about myfitnesspal&all her friends on it. she counts calories like crazy, spends time stretching in the mirror to count her ribs, throws food away, threw my food away for me, etc. so i have two options: 1) be responsible, let her parents know i'm concerned, &avoid them. 2) get close to her again&get hella skinny together (lia&cassie much?). fuck. guys i really don't want to be responsible. it's SO tempting to drag her down with me. oh cute. i'm mental. bad zette.

i think i'm going in circles in therapy. she mostly wants to do inner child work which drives me crazy. my childhood was a scary beast&i'd like to stop revisiting it. on the bright side she pretty much gave me a free pass to lose weight which i'm taking advantage of. slowly. only 2lbs a week or so. but still.

still going to the gym all the time. i love it. last week, when i was a different sort of sick, i walked in with a thermometer in my mouth to make sure my fever had broken so i could work out. that was miserable. but worth it. also threw up. with my hands behind my back. hate hate hate throwing up when it's not deliberate. it's so different from purging. sort of makes me think though. as in why do i do that to myself so often? it's not very ladylike at all.

i know i've more to tell you chickadees but it's nearly 7 so i'm off to the gym. love love love you.

halloween is coming up soon. i'm coordinating costumes with my friends so i've got to be the smallest.

xoxo
zette
p.s. excuse any typos. you know i never check over these things.

8:57pm

fuck. tons to say&no time to say it. i'l post tomorrow night after therapy if i can. just checking in because six of you motherfuckers have checked up on me lately&it's a bit rude to leave you hanging. thanks for not forgetting me.

yes, forever comparing people.

xoxo

zette

p.s. people = food = eating = purging = dizziness = falling = bruised. people are bruising me.

1:12pm

hi little ladies. i've got to leave in a few minutes but i wanted to drop in since i haven't in ages. i hope you're all doing well. i'll have time tomorrow to catch up on all your blogs, i think. thanks to those of you who have written.

getting blood taken was the most comfortable part of my medical crap. EKG was not fun. taking my shirt off, lying on a cold bed in a cold room while a lady with cold hands put stickers on me&clipped cold cords to them was not my favorite.

my favorite necklace is still my favorite necklace.

the wasp sting that almost made me cry. i took down 6 nests though before getting stung so i suppose those are good odds.

i still love pills.

my calico still drinks out of the toilet. anyway, stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. cross your fingers that my doctor won't find an eating disorder specialist for me anytime soon.

10:42am

hey chickadees. i'm sorry to have disappeared on you. i'm doing alright. i told my therapist how many pills i'm taking (was taking 10 a day, now 14 a day) so she wants me to go to the clinic to get some blood panels done so she can just see how i'm doing. i do NOT want to go.  especially not alone. but i think next time i see her i'll tell her i'll go. i'm just being a big baby. anyway, i'm getting over sinusitis. itis just means swelling so i guess it's just swollen sinuses. i'm on amoxicillin to knock out the bacteria. i've been sick for a week but i'm finally feeling better. i think by monday i can start running again. you guys know how much i love running. that's all for now. i've got some things to do before i get ready for work.

the girl on the right is not big but the girl on the left is smaller. i want to be smallest. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. if you don't take diet pills, don't start.

p.p.s. every time i read back through comments&emails from you i'm so so so grateful that you stick with me.

12:02pm

you little ladies are darling. really. i was cleaning out my email inbox, organizing personal emails&all the comments from my old blog. a lot of you have stuck with me for ages. so many messages just checking in, telling me to stay strong like i tell you all the time. i don't think i could delete my blog. thanks so much for the encouragement.
just got back from a little shopping. i bought another water bottle, lime juice, pill am/pm organizer, caffeine-free xenadrine, bandages, diet coke, etc. going to treat the yard for fleas&tarantulas then going running. it's sunnybreezywarm outside today. i bought some new books. one a straight facts ED book, another "diary of an exercise addict" about exercise bulimia. they're both interesting.
oh, some of you asked about therapy. it's going really well. i like my counselor a lot. she never ever rushes me&she warns me before she stands up or gets closer to me. she's really lovely. she gives me funny looks sometimes.
"with an eating disorder.." 
"which i don't have."
"mm...you never learned any emotional response besides anger."
"no shit."
"exactly."
i'm tempted every week to walk out the door before she calls my name. that sweetashoney vileasacid voice always tells me to. but i haven't. i hope i can figure out a time to see her when i'm working 8am to 7pm every day.
golly. anyway, just checking in&saying thanks for all the comments on the last post.

girl on the right has perfect legs, i think. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo
zette
p.s. working on getting the guts to try a gym for a week to see if i should get a membership. hate being around people.