11:51am

kind of feel like i'm drowning. i don't hate people, but i'm finding that relationships are less&less of a priority. counseling in the morning. was supposed to journal all week about my "feelings". not sure whether to fill in something for each day i skipped, or to just do today's? hmm. anyway, cutting people out of my life a lot lately. i lovehate it. i don't need them. they were supportive&sweet&nice to keep up with&talk to for a while, but then suddenly that's gone. so here i go. am i being manipulative? i have a tendency...oh bother. oh, whole reason i posted. saw this photo of two of my friends who are besties.

i wanna be carried. not really, don't you dare touch me.

but hypothetically or whatever. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

follow me on twitter, i'm addicted. @emptylittlemiss

9:54am

sometimes, with every pound i rid myself of, i feel like i'm losing control. i don't know when this happened. it's weird, you know? to be in a floatingdreamyimaginary headspace, then to wake up&find you're not quite sure how you got here. hold on, i've got green tea in the kitchen steeping. okay back with my green tea. as if you were waiting for me to type this. i'm so odd. "hey one of my students gave me this box of chocolates. you're welcome to them." "oh okay." no thanks. but i opened them&&counted them&the smell of them filled me up. do you do that? when you're not eating? i get unbelievably full just smelling food. sometimes i panic, i think i've actually eaten. i slow down, run my fingers over my bones, breathe in, breathe out. no, i didn't eat. i'll eat tomorrow though. or maybe the next day. i'll eat. really.
there was a fundraiser at a restaurant last night for my buddy so i went after work to help. they had all gotten food before i got there, so i told them i ate at work. then my friend was looking as i texted my mother "i ate at chiloso with the girls." so my friend said, "um, no, you didn't." so i said, "yeah but i don't want to eat my mother's food haha." then we all laughed&nobody told me to eat&all was well.

the girl on the left wants to get into modeling. you can't expect to be a model simply because you're tall. &the girl on the right is the skinniest of her friends. must be fantastic. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo
zette
p.s. i used to go by the bottle's instructions. i used to take 4 a day. now i take 12 a day. 12 green tea caffeine pills&i'm still so worn out.

5:10pm

you ladies are the masters of compliments. made me smile. today i got coffee with a friend. she calls me her little sister. we've had pretty much the same life so she listens without judging&gives realistic advice. after that i was feeling low so i drove over to the marina by the boat launch. took my ipod, headphones, lighter, cigarettes, phone&keys. sat on a log&smoked. listened to my skinny playlist. sat there for 20 minutes or so. the guy from the boat shop, probably around my age, came out with a bag of bread scraps. "to feed the ducks. pretty as a picture but you look sad. thought it might cheer you up." what a sweetie. i like that there are still sweet people around. left the marina, went to the park. stepped down the old trail, sat on the bridge&smoked another cigarette while i held back mysterious tears. i just feel so grey lately.

huge legs, red hands from the cold. i don't smoke very often. just when i'm in a fucktheworld mood. when i take time to let myself be sad&to consider things before i put my fake smile carefully into place&show the world i can be okay. silly me.

here, snow melts before it hits the ground. calm down. &don't wear leggings as pants. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo
zette
p.s. my friend offered me medifast stuff. nutrients to keep my healthy&to help me lose weight. but i don't want to just be thin, i want to be sick. i'm crazy.

7:46pm

i really like to be empty. i like the feeling of having nothing but my thoughts floating around. until my thoughts get scarynastyhorrible. but it always passes. at the marina, where i feed the ducks (yes i wore my heeled oxfords to feed them) past the boat launch there's a little piece of land that stretches farther over the water. i like to sit on the edge of it with my headphones blocking out the noise of the highway. i sit there with a lighter to either burn my skin or light a cigarette. i bring a book. either 'hollow' by jena morrow, 'thin' by grace bowman, or 'wintergirls' by laurie halse anderson. it's my time. just for me. it's not productive or useful or helpful for anyone but me. i'd go now, but the sun has told my part of the world goodnight. i'll probably saturday. i keep getting questions about my goal weight. for ages my goal has been 115. but as time passes it's become open-ended. my goal weight, theoretically, is zero. though i know the scale will only say this when i'm holding it. excuse my flabby self.

sorry i couldn't dig up a better comparison photo for you.

the girl in the belted dress commented "i miss those shoes!" the girl in the blue top commented "i miss being that skinny!" funny to me. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo
zette
p.s. for those of you who text me, pretty please put those phones to work. i miss you. if you're in the U.S. email me your name&number. ilovezette@yahoo.com

9:48am

i don't have an eating disorder. i'm just weird about food. sometimes i eat, sometimes i don't. it's not a big deal. i fluctuate by 5lbs maybe. i'm totally healthy. okay yeah i've purged before. but try to find a teenage girl who hasn't tried it at least once. i don't know what i weigh, our scale doesn't even work. i haven't been weighed since i went to the doctor for my sprained ankle. no, i don't remember what it was. of course i go running, i love running. my dog needs the exercise, too. i can't stand other workouts. i'm so lazy. ugh, my stomach is growling again. i swear no matter how much i eat i'm still hungry. you'd think i'd still be growing or something. it's crazy. of course i've eaten today, it's past noon. do you want to catch a movie later? i'mabigfatliar.

my cousin's wife is in the stripes. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. watching pretty little liars. i want all aria's clothes.

10:06am

i never know what you guys are going to flip out about. really? angry emails? two people called me a fat whore. cool. thanks for taking time out of your day. makes me feel special. some people got offended who i hadn't really aimed that post at, though. weird. i'm talking about people who specifically go from "starve yourself" to "stop starving yourself"&mainly it's people who email me. it's all shinyhappypretty until it gets scary. so fuck off. you're clogging my inbox&a lot of you are being really rude. but to the lovely little ladies who follow&comment on my blog, love love love you. truly. maybe i'll post update pictures when i lose these last 20lbs.

amateur models. woop woop. girl on the far right is darling. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo
zette
p.s. my playlist lately. sorry it's so blurry.

posie: you're super sweet. thanks for understanding what i meant.
clear girl: good point, should probably get iron supplements. thanks.
lottie: i know, it gets confusing. i hope it goes well, too.
does it even matter: hugs back:)
lovely me: not at all. thanks for being honest.
lulu: yeah? i'm super nervous. maybe i'll open up simply because it's so expensive.

peridot: oh you. i'll be sure to get it then. good to know. xoxo

10:24am

to the people who have been emailing me about how concerned you are, saying i'm "not in a good place" that i'm "killing myself", fuck off. when i started this blog you were the ones proud of me for fasting for 5 days at a time. now that i'm stuck, now that i can't stop, now you want to help? go fuck yourselves.
okay, bitching aside, i did go to that counseling appointment. R went in with me, which i love her for. counselor first impression: smallish, 5'5", warm, blue eyes. she asked questions. half of them i ignored&R answered because i'd given her permission to. she asked if i "eat a lot in a short amount of time&then suddenly feel the need to get rid of it." umm, do i binge&purge? no. i was in a bad mood, apparently. i was mad at myself for being so nervous. my arms&legs were shaking, i couldn't make them still. i was on day 3 of my fast that morning. she looked warily at R&said something like "i'm told you might have some issues with food. is that true?" i shouldn't have answered it. i don't know why "i mean i know food shouldn't freak me out as much as it does but there's no problem" fell out of my mouth. she asked if only certain foods freaked me out, if there were particular ones. i said all foods except for a few safe foods. "what is one of your safe foods?" "apples." "red or green?" "neither, the pink&yellow ones." she scribbled in her notebook. the session mostly went on like that. i let a few comments pass my lips. "you're weird" "this is bullshit, i don't need this" "your picture of jesus is super creepy" etc. i wasn't sarcastic, i was downright rude to the lady. the funny thing? i actually liked her, &R is going to check prices&appointment openings for me.
i'm not sure why i'm suddenly okay with the idea of going to counseling. maybe because it's just me&her in a room&nothing i say leaves that room. maybe because as much as i hate to admit that there might be something wrong with me, there's a monster in my head that won't let me eat&i'd sort of like to unravel this monster. also, i can quit whenever i want. not that i'm a control freak who needs to know she's not being forced or anything....

i wanna be as small as the girl on the left. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. anyone use that arnica/arnicare stuff for bruises? if it works i need to buy some. mystery bruises keep appearing.
p.p.s. i put fake information for the emergency contact in the counseling intake form. also, the "life functioning" part (have you ever self-harmed, etc) said i could omit whatever i wanted, so i skipped the whole thing. i'm going to fill that out&bring it in with me next time as an apology.