6:37pm

oops. so the post monday night didn't end up happening. monday morning my boss sent me to the minute clinic to get checked out for a prescription so i could get over whatever was going on with me. so an hour&a half later i call my boss to let her know i had strep throat&infections in both ears. had to leave work&cancel therapy. stocked up on movies, powerade, &perrier to last me until today when i went back to work. fucking hate being sick. my ears feel so weird. anyway..

the rockers invited me over for dinner. i ate almost all my food like a good little girl. even dessert. here's my little dilemma. my old best friend is nuts about myfitnesspal&all her friends on it. she counts calories like crazy, spends time stretching in the mirror to count her ribs, throws food away, threw my food away for me, etc. so i have two options: 1) be responsible, let her parents know i'm concerned, &avoid them. 2) get close to her again&get hella skinny together (lia&cassie much?). fuck. guys i really don't want to be responsible. it's SO tempting to drag her down with me. oh cute. i'm mental. bad zette.

i think i'm going in circles in therapy. she mostly wants to do inner child work which drives me crazy. my childhood was a scary beast&i'd like to stop revisiting it. on the bright side she pretty much gave me a free pass to lose weight which i'm taking advantage of. slowly. only 2lbs a week or so. but still.

still going to the gym all the time. i love it. last week, when i was a different sort of sick, i walked in with a thermometer in my mouth to make sure my fever had broken so i could work out. that was miserable. but worth it. also threw up. with my hands behind my back. hate hate hate throwing up when it's not deliberate. it's so different from purging. sort of makes me think though. as in why do i do that to myself so often? it's not very ladylike at all.

i know i've more to tell you chickadees but it's nearly 7 so i'm off to the gym. love love love you.

halloween is coming up soon. i'm coordinating costumes with my friends so i've got to be the smallest.

xoxo
zette
p.s. excuse any typos. you know i never check over these things.

8:57pm

fuck. tons to say&no time to say it. i'l post tomorrow night after therapy if i can. just checking in because six of you motherfuckers have checked up on me lately&it's a bit rude to leave you hanging. thanks for not forgetting me.

yes, forever comparing people.

xoxo

zette

p.s. people = food = eating = purging = dizziness = falling = bruised. people are bruising me.

1:12pm

hi little ladies. i've got to leave in a few minutes but i wanted to drop in since i haven't in ages. i hope you're all doing well. i'll have time tomorrow to catch up on all your blogs, i think. thanks to those of you who have written.

getting blood taken was the most comfortable part of my medical crap. EKG was not fun. taking my shirt off, lying on a cold bed in a cold room while a lady with cold hands put stickers on me&clipped cold cords to them was not my favorite.

my favorite necklace is still my favorite necklace.

the wasp sting that almost made me cry. i took down 6 nests though before getting stung so i suppose those are good odds.

i still love pills.

my calico still drinks out of the toilet. anyway, stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. cross your fingers that my doctor won't find an eating disorder specialist for me anytime soon.

10:42am

hey chickadees. i'm sorry to have disappeared on you. i'm doing alright. i told my therapist how many pills i'm taking (was taking 10 a day, now 14 a day) so she wants me to go to the clinic to get some blood panels done so she can just see how i'm doing. i do NOT want to go.  especially not alone. but i think next time i see her i'll tell her i'll go. i'm just being a big baby. anyway, i'm getting over sinusitis. itis just means swelling so i guess it's just swollen sinuses. i'm on amoxicillin to knock out the bacteria. i've been sick for a week but i'm finally feeling better. i think by monday i can start running again. you guys know how much i love running. that's all for now. i've got some things to do before i get ready for work.

the girl on the right is not big but the girl on the left is smaller. i want to be smallest. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. if you don't take diet pills, don't start.

p.p.s. every time i read back through comments&emails from you i'm so so so grateful that you stick with me.

12:02pm

you little ladies are darling. really. i was cleaning out my email inbox, organizing personal emails&all the comments from my old blog. a lot of you have stuck with me for ages. so many messages just checking in, telling me to stay strong like i tell you all the time. i don't think i could delete my blog. thanks so much for the encouragement.
just got back from a little shopping. i bought another water bottle, lime juice, pill am/pm organizer, caffeine-free xenadrine, bandages, diet coke, etc. going to treat the yard for fleas&tarantulas then going running. it's sunnybreezywarm outside today. i bought some new books. one a straight facts ED book, another "diary of an exercise addict" about exercise bulimia. they're both interesting.
oh, some of you asked about therapy. it's going really well. i like my counselor a lot. she never ever rushes me&she warns me before she stands up or gets closer to me. she's really lovely. she gives me funny looks sometimes.
"with an eating disorder.." 
"which i don't have."
"mm...you never learned any emotional response besides anger."
"no shit."
"exactly."
i'm tempted every week to walk out the door before she calls my name. that sweetashoney vileasacid voice always tells me to. but i haven't. i hope i can figure out a time to see her when i'm working 8am to 7pm every day.
golly. anyway, just checking in&saying thanks for all the comments on the last post.

girl on the right has perfect legs, i think. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo
zette
p.s. working on getting the guts to try a gym for a week to see if i should get a membership. hate being around people.

5:29pm

i don't like anonymous comments at all. i'm sorry i upset hailey. i don't know what to say to the other one because they are probably right. all i can say is that this is my blog. i spill my guts on here&since i'm not healthy, sick things get typed out. i get it. i'm a horrible person for purging butterflies from my system, coming clean, getting out of my head. but whoever finds my blog, clicks follow, &chooses to keep up with me made their own choice. i really appreciate those of you who have stuck with me. you've been so so so sweet. but maybe i should delete it?


xoxo
zette
p.s. we all know i'm not wise. that's one thing the anonymous person was wrong about.

2:56pm

day two of a four-day weekend. yesterday my work alarm woke me, so i got up&went running. here's why i love my morning runs.

at the start of my run, there are trees over the sidewalk. i usually jog until i get to this spot, then i sprint.

everything is so cleanquietuntouched when i get to the park first.

the view is nice when i get to this part, right before the arbor.

this time of year, the arbor is crowded with these little roses, they smell amazing.

after the arbor there is a field between park&school property. the sky always puts on a show.

that said, evening runs are really lovely, too. just cluttered with disc golfers&people fishing.

the best part of any run is my running buddy. she prefers to ride like this instead of in the passenger seat. when the window is up, she just lays her head on my shoulder. when we run, i unclip the leash from her harness so she can go full speed or stop to pee.

xoxo

zette

p.s. go running or walking&look at the things around you. it's good to get out of your head.