10:42am

hey chickadees. i'm sorry to have disappeared on you. i'm doing alright. i told my therapist how many pills i'm taking (was taking 10 a day, now 14 a day) so she wants me to go to the clinic to get some blood panels done so she can just see how i'm doing. i do NOT want to go.  especially not alone. but i think next time i see her i'll tell her i'll go. i'm just being a big baby. anyway, i'm getting over sinusitis. itis just means swelling so i guess it's just swollen sinuses. i'm on amoxicillin to knock out the bacteria. i've been sick for a week but i'm finally feeling better. i think by monday i can start running again. you guys know how much i love running. that's all for now. i've got some things to do before i get ready for work.

the girl on the right is not big but the girl on the left is smaller. i want to be smallest. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. if you don't take diet pills, don't start.

p.p.s. every time i read back through comments&emails from you i'm so so so grateful that you stick with me.

12:02pm

you little ladies are darling. really. i was cleaning out my email inbox, organizing personal emails&all the comments from my old blog. a lot of you have stuck with me for ages. so many messages just checking in, telling me to stay strong like i tell you all the time. i don't think i could delete my blog. thanks so much for the encouragement.
just got back from a little shopping. i bought another water bottle, lime juice, pill am/pm organizer, caffeine-free xenadrine, bandages, diet coke, etc. going to treat the yard for fleas&tarantulas then going running. it's sunnybreezywarm outside today. i bought some new books. one a straight facts ED book, another "diary of an exercise addict" about exercise bulimia. they're both interesting.
oh, some of you asked about therapy. it's going really well. i like my counselor a lot. she never ever rushes me&she warns me before she stands up or gets closer to me. she's really lovely. she gives me funny looks sometimes.
"with an eating disorder.." 
"which i don't have."
"mm...you never learned any emotional response besides anger."
"no shit."
"exactly."
i'm tempted every week to walk out the door before she calls my name. that sweetashoney vileasacid voice always tells me to. but i haven't. i hope i can figure out a time to see her when i'm working 8am to 7pm every day.
golly. anyway, just checking in&saying thanks for all the comments on the last post.

girl on the right has perfect legs, i think. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo
zette
p.s. working on getting the guts to try a gym for a week to see if i should get a membership. hate being around people.

5:29pm

i don't like anonymous comments at all. i'm sorry i upset hailey. i don't know what to say to the other one because they are probably right. all i can say is that this is my blog. i spill my guts on here&since i'm not healthy, sick things get typed out. i get it. i'm a horrible person for purging butterflies from my system, coming clean, getting out of my head. but whoever finds my blog, clicks follow, &chooses to keep up with me made their own choice. i really appreciate those of you who have stuck with me. you've been so so so sweet. but maybe i should delete it?


xoxo
zette
p.s. we all know i'm not wise. that's one thing the anonymous person was wrong about.

2:56pm

day two of a four-day weekend. yesterday my work alarm woke me, so i got up&went running. here's why i love my morning runs.

at the start of my run, there are trees over the sidewalk. i usually jog until i get to this spot, then i sprint.

everything is so cleanquietuntouched when i get to the park first.

the view is nice when i get to this part, right before the arbor.

this time of year, the arbor is crowded with these little roses, they smell amazing.

after the arbor there is a field between park&school property. the sky always puts on a show.

that said, evening runs are really lovely, too. just cluttered with disc golfers&people fishing.

the best part of any run is my running buddy. she prefers to ride like this instead of in the passenger seat. when the window is up, she just lays her head on my shoulder. when we run, i unclip the leash from her harness so she can go full speed or stop to pee.

xoxo

zette

p.s. go running or walking&look at the things around you. it's good to get out of your head.

1:18pm

i ate on sunday. now it's wednesday (which i accidentally told my counselor today.) i'll have half a cup of almond milk (12) before i go to work in an hour. then tomorrow i'll have juice (60). i'll eat again on friday. four day weekend, friday to monday. i plan on sleeping&exercising a lot. sorry for the last post. just sort of hit a low spot.
on the bright side, i love my counselor. she's very sweet& very smart as a therapist should be. she doesn't care when i can't answer a question&she's never in a hurry to get me out of her office. i had like 5 minutes left&i asked if she understood cutting because after 6ish years of it, i don't get it at all. so she took the time to explain. then at the end, "it can be the same way with eating disorders." "which i don't have." "right." she winked at me. i do still feel like a loon when she talks about the 4 years she worked in the adolescent ward of a hospital. you know, that theycanseemybrain feeling you get around anyone who has a whole fucking lot of knowledge about what you're battling? oops. i mean i'm not battling an eating disorder, of course not, my eating is oh-so-perfectly normal. god. eventually she's going to ask me about that stuff. but not yet. cheers.

the girl on the right even has a cute name. we got in trouble together in algebra class freshman year. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. when i'm not eating, the healthy piece of my brain always tries to convince the sick part to compromise. the sick part wins. no lettuce for me.

p.p.s. not a big fan of the new blogger layout. but this is the only time i'll complain about it.

9:59am

fuck it. it's never going to get better.


xoxo
zette
p.s. love you, ladies.

11:22am

this sort of rarely eating, replacing food with coffee&organic lollipops thing is wearing me out. i have to be able to work. i've got to find a way to lose more weight without losing my head. i'm not the brightest but i'm not stupid, so i know i'll find a way but at the moment i'm frustrated. was going to do "eat monday, wednesday, friday, (500) on weekends" but that scares me.
my friend is all concerned about me. "The blisters on your hands are from lighters not cooking burns. The bandages on your fingers are because you cut them open not because you play guitar. I can feel all your bones under that hoodie. You fooled the rest of them when you stopped partying but Im not stupid. Youre still hurting yourself.  I cant just watch you kill yourself, Suzette." i was really tempted to be a drama queen&say "then don't watch" but i didn't. i didn't reply at all. people make me sad.

i love this photo. this girl thinks she has a thyroid problem like twiggy. she probably does. she's crazy small. i love this photo because of the look that chubby girl is giving her. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i don't get why people make lists of "low-cal, filling foods" why do you want to feel full? being full feels so gross.