4:01pm

i don't know if any of you are still around, i just need to tell someone or no one a few things so here we go. sipping coffee with vodka in it. i've had my mind stuck in a particular spot today.

what if we treated others the way we treat ourselves? what if you starved someone, cut them open, forced them to purge? how fucked up would that be? yet we do this to ourselves so often that it seems normal.

i'm stuck 1500 miles from home. this california adventure has been fun but i'm over it. i still don't have any friends here. two of my roommates are alright but not the sort of people i can just hang out with. i just want to get back to texas, hang out with my friends, get back to therapy&sort out my head. i've been really down lately.

night before last i had a few shots of vodka like i do every night (another bad habit i've picked up) on an empty stomach. i felt dizzy so i washed my face&crawled in bed. i was hoping for sleep but something made me think of my father which, if you've known me long, you'll know is a massive trigger for me. so i slid out of bed for a lighter&razorblade.

my anxiety was through the roof. i couldn't calm down. 42 new cuts on my feet, hands, chest, insides of my cheeks, &behind my ears. my mouth feels swollen&sore. one on my chest was too deep thanks to my heavy-with-alcohol hands. luckily i still have sutures so the next day i grabbed the bag&my smallest curved needle. i boiled the needle&cleaned everything with alcohol. i sewed myself up the same way i would a tear in fabric, tied it off, &taped gauze over it. it hurts like fucking hell. i know the scar is going to be ugly. at least all my cuts right now are covered easily. i can stand in a bikini & no one will see them.

i have a goal weight. the past year i've spent working out even with my torn knee & i've quite a bit of muscle. i want to be 110 when i get back to texas. i'm hoping it will be around the end of the year so i've plenty of time to get to that weight & maintain it. i'm thinking a limit of (500) for the next few months will do it. with alcohol calories included, i won't be eating much. i like having a plan. it's peaceful.

anyway, nothing really new. just thinking a lot lately. i think i'll write here more since i've no buddies here to talk to. fuck california people. even the ones who seem sweet are incredibly shallow & the worst part is they don't even know they are. our new tenant downstairs i think might like me. so i'm avoiding him. i let his dogs out when he goes to work but we barely speak. not not not interested.

xoxo
zette

p.s. vanilla vodka (90) in coffee (5) is actually pretty good.
p.p.s. if you have a kik email me your unsername & the name of your blog on here (so i know who the fuck you are) so we can chat. (this means you, peridot, if you have one.)